Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware,
that includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington , Minnesota ,
Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe
this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the
people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell
research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get
Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get
Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America 's venture
capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of the
tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo
California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all
our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask
your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not
willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh frui t, 95 percent of
America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the
high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.*** We get
Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the war , the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico
.
Peace out,


Blue States