I'm so farkin' glad the election is OVER and I truly hope Obama does a great job and gets this place back on track. I'm very happy that he won in a decisive manner, because the last thing anyone wants to hear now is more of that "they stole the election" whiny azz crap......
Do I agree with him on everything? Not even close........if I were president, some stuff would DEFINITELY change. First I'd start with the right slogan and poster:
if I was the next President, here would be the basic stance of my platform:
First and foremost, let me be clear in my plan for America........our country is not doomed......far from it. But America has a serious, shitty, nasty, stinky intestinal blockage that must be unplugged.
The USA needs a giant enema. Stupidity, shortsighted policies and greed have been rewarded for far too long while good, decent hardworking people have taken it up the ass for too many years. It's time to change all that. It is time to run this place like a business based on common sense and positive incentives that contribute to the greater good. None of these ideas are new. They have just been conveniently ignored and blocked by those who profit from ignorance, handout programs and by keeping others beholden to them. I think more of America and Americans. I know you are more than capable of standing on your own feet without an endless stream of free money that everyone else pays for.
America needs to get off its collective lazy greedy ass and get back to basics. We never needed Political Correctness before, because we had manners. It is time to get back to the promise of America.
This means that lots of [censored] has to be fixed. If I was elected, here are just a few of the things that would change immediately under a Mingo administration:
GOYLA Welfare Reform Act - It is time for a complete hysterectomy of the welfare system. The system will no longer be known as Public Assistance / Welfare. It will now be known by the acronym GOYLA. This stands for Get Off Your Lazy Ass. The program will be remodeled into a Government Guaranteed Jobs With Compassion Program. Don't worry, all those currently receiving welfare will continue to get their money. However, several stipulations will be implemented the day we take office:
- All GOYLA recipients will work for their cash. We will save them all that pesky, annoying effort and hard work it takes to find their own job. We will assign them their new GOYLA job. They may get the opportunity to pick up trash, pick apples, pick lettuce, mow lawns, trim shrubs, do basic landscaping, clean bus station toilets, muck barns and do all sorts of productive, exciting work. If they cannot walk or drive to work, we will find something they can do in their own domicile. Stuffing envelopes, clipping coupons for nearsighted seniors or something like that.
GOYLA workers will do this work before they get paid, just like every other citizen. If a GOYLA worker shows up late for work, leaves early, sasses the boss etc, they get FIRED and get NO MONEY. Just like the rest of America. You see, taxpayers are funding this. This means GOYLA recipients work for the people. The people are their bosses. The people deserve services in return for their hard-earned money. This is pure logic and common sense. NOTE: Do not freak out by reading the word "work". Yes, you can still be a lazy ass piece of [censored] in America, if you choose that life. But you will get no more free money for being a layabout sloth. Eh? What was that? This is "mean and unfair", you say? Grow up. Life is hard. Life is unfair. Why should it be cushy and easy for you at everyone else's expense?? No more free lunches, douchebag. We got you your job, so stop your whining.
- GOYLA money will be in the form of chips instead of a check. They will look like poker chips but will have GOYLA stamped on them. They are redeemable for fruit, vegetables, meat, basic approved clothing, canned goods and very limited amounts of ice cream and candy. They are NOT redeemable for cigarettes, chewing tobacco, lotto tickets, alcohol, hair salon visits, nail salon visits, $200 athletic shoes, Nascar jackets or flashy designer clothes. If you do not like these rules, you are more than welcome to quit the GOYLA program and get your own job somewhere else.
- All recipients of GOYLA will undergo mandatory sterilization before any more taxpayer-funded chips will be handed over. No exceptions. Male and Female alike. Sterilized. Your uterus is not an ATM. We know that in the past, squirting out more kids meant more $. No more. Those days are over. NOTE: You can refuse to be sterilized if you so choose. But if you refuse, you get zero GOYLA chips. Period.
- All recipients of GOYLA will undergo a mandatory drug test before they get their chips. No testy = no chippy. Most citizens have to submit to random drug tests from their employers so they can go to work to earn the money to pay taxes to fund programs like GOYLA. Well, now all GOYLA recipients will now enjoy the same opportunity to pass a drug test as the rest of us. Oh, we forgot. If you fail the test, you will never ever get one more chip from GOYLA. Ever!
'10% & A SMILE' TAX REFORMATION ACT- No, we're not going to lie like other politicians do and tell you that you will not have to pay any taxes. We still need some of your hard-earned cash for a few things. Things like cops, roads, a trained military, you know, that kind of stuff. From now on, all citizens of this country will pay 10% of their income in Federal taxes. This is not a new idea. Andy Rooney thought of this 20 years ago. There will be zero exceptions. No more, no less. You make $100? You pay $10. You make $100 million? You pay $10 million. Simple huh? Don't worry about the government. We'll make so much stinking money with this simple math that we can then fund other key intiatives. But you have to pay your 10% for it to work. So don't go trying to hide it in the Cayman Islands or try to pull some other [censored] accounting stunt. If you try any sneaky hide-the-income crap, you and your accountant and/or shyster lawyer are going to prison. So just pay your 10% like everyone else and get on with it, okay?
SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM - If you paid in to the system, you will most definitely get your SS check every month when you retire. If you have never paid in, you get jack squat. If you are a new arrival to this great country, WELCOME TO AMERICA! We want you here if you WORK. You can apply for a GOYLA job and grab your "now being served: citizenship candidate # 9,856,324" ticket at the GOYLA office's citizenship application desk. They'll be right next door to each other. When your number comes up, go take your test. This is 2008, not 1915. Ellis Island has been closed for a long time. Oh, and it wasnt' exactly easy getting in back then either. If you commit a crime while you are here, sayonara forever. Simple and consistent. And there won't be any "refuge cities" for alien felons. Sorry, San Francisco. You can kiss our asses.
FISHERIES REFORM: There will be no more killing of wild steelhead, period. Those days are over. Done. No exceptions. And no more tribal nets either. Sorry my native brothers, but its time for this and you know it. We either take out the nets or watch extinction creep up. Extinction is permanent. There are no "do-overs". Try hunting passenger pigeons or dodo birds. You get the picture now, right? Plus it hasn't exactly worked well for the past 100 years. But don't worry. You can keep your casinos. Except they will now be taxed just like every other business in America. It would be unfair to deny you your chance to contribute to this great nation and we're all about opportunity. Don't try bringing up past injustices either. We didn't do it. We weren't born yet. Another rule: flyfishermen get their annual licenses for $10 per year. This is a reward for their low-impact resource enjoyment. That, and for not leaving styrofoam worm containers and stinky Pautzke jars all over the place. Oh, and the Cedar River is open year round, flyfishing only. It's about time that happened. Poachers? Can you say "mandatory fine and 1 year in prison per offense"? No exceptions. You see, when you steal a fish or animal, you steal it from all of us. And see, we're kind of pissed about it and we've decided that since you took our [censored] without asking, you are going to be punished. Your SSN will be on the news with your dental records and a mugshot to make sure you get your Nick Nolte moment. There will also be no more gillnets, longlines or purse seines. Over, done, finito. And we're serious about protecting our oceans, so please pay attention, okay Taiwan and Korea? Oh, also....anyone with ties to commercial fishing who tries to undermine or weaken the rules will go to prison. You don't own those fish, numbnuts. You can't steal them from us to line your pockets any longer. Foreign commercial fleet PAC money is outlawed. In fact, you can't even enter Washington, DC unless you're going to the Smithsonian to look at a fake whale. But hey, don't despair dudes! Trawlers are cool. Go for it boys, put out those outriggers, set your lines with feathers and plastic and troll away!
VOTING PROCESS REFORM: No more screams of "unfair" or "they stole the election". When you go to vote, you'll see a photo of the candidate next to their name on the ballot. This way you can't say you accidentally voted for the white guy when you meant to vote for the black guy. If you are so damned stupid that you don't even know what your chosen candidate looks like, then you are too freaking dumb to vote anyway.
MILITARY VETERAN HEALTH CARE REFORM: - All military veterans will now get free Gold Level lifetime benefits with no limits or exclusions. Period. And yes, Gold Level is just what it sounds like. No more dilapidated VA hospitals for America's finest. You will get awesome benefits that are vastly superior than the lifetime health care given to a congressman who occupies a seat for one term, flaps his gums for a couple years and then collects a pension paid for by the rest of us. You military men and women deserve the best since you gave us your best. Well, you are going to get the very best. The best doctors. The best medicine. The best facilities. The best nurses (no flat chested uglies). No more suffering through long lines only to be scolded by Nurse Ratshit and her hairy nose mole. Those days are over. Any politician or lawyer or punkass usurper who tries to undermine and weaken our Military Veteran Health Care System will go to prison for life. No kidding. One last thing......every month, for the rest of your life, you will be thanked by your congressman for your service. It may be in person, it may be over the phone or by e-mail, but you will be thanked. It is high time your butt was kissed for a change. You gave the rest of us the ability to live here and bitch and moan incessantly about the softness of our toilet paper and traffic congestion. This is one tiny way we will say "thanks" to all of you who served.
CONGRESSIONAL SALARIES - Start at $25K per year for freshmen and are capped at $35K per year. You say you are not in it for the money and bennies and you only want to serve the public trust? Well, we're going to find out now, aren't we?
JUDICIAL SYSTEM OVERHAUL - Lawyers are banned from every courtroom in America. All cases will be heard by one judge reporting to the only member of the Surpreme Court. Her name is Judge Judy. She will be sole decision maker on all Federal cases. Her word is final. Her sentences will be carried out in full. Just try and slip some [censored] past that tough old broad. Just TRY IT, asshole!!!!
SENATOR / TEACHER SALARIES REVERSAL ACT- Just like it sounds. Their salaries will be flipflopped. Senators will cap out at $35K per year. Teachers will start at $75K per year but will have to undergo annual testing to make sure they can actually read and write. I know what you ambitious future senators are thinking......."this is unfair! There is no money in ripping people off any more! I need to find a real job!" Exactly...............
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT- will be replaced by the new NO FAT KID GETS OUT OF P.E. CLASS ACT. Pushups, situps, laps around the gym and a wide variety of recess and playground sports are back on the daily menu, kiddies. Get used to it. Oh, and video games? One hour per week, tops. And if you do not make progress with improving your BMI, your parents will pay a tax penalty of $10K per year until your BMI improves to a healthy level. Trust us, you will thank us later when you actually see your 50th birthday. We can't afford your constant self-inflicted sickness and other health problems. You become too expensive when you eat so much. You need to move more, and eat far less. We want you to live a long healthy life. We don't want to spend $25K taxpayer dollars to derrick your giant blorted butt out of your house when you have a heart attack because you are too fat to fit through your own front door.
LAW OBEDIENCE INCENTIVE ACT - This country has gone too far in punishing good people who do the right things and live a good, solid life. Every taxpayer over the age of 18 who does not break the law within any calendar year (yes, this includes traffic tickets) will receive an annual tax rebate of $3K. You see, by not lipping off to cops, not robbing banks and stealing [censored] from your neighbors, you save us a LOT of money. Chasing you down and locking you up is expensive!! We want to reward you for your GOOD behavior and put some cash back in your pocket so you can go buy that nifty new fishing rod you've been eyeballing. Cool, huh?
ANTI STUPIDITY REWARD ACT - Every trend has a beginning and this act will kick off in grand fashion on inauguration day. We are going to fine the [censored] out of that dumb slut who burned her own koochie by spilling McDonald's Drive Thru coffee on her lap. Remember her? Her shyster lawyer got her a $1 million + settlement. For spilling coffee on her box. Hey you dumb bitch, you ordered HOT F' ing COFFEE for godsakes.......what did you think was in that cup, Cherry Slurpee? She will have her day in court. TV court. Judge Judy court. She will get 5 seconds to explain her stupidity and then she'll have to give all that money back. But the best part is that the shyster lawyer who got her that giant settlement is going to prison. For 10 years. Wake up people. Stupidity is your fault, not ours, not McDonald's, not anybody but your own. Stupidity can exist. You actually do have a right to be stupid. But you will no longer get any reward for being an idiot in this country.
EXCELLENCE THROUGH COLORBLINDNESS ACT - This replaces the antiquated Equal Opportunity program. Race will no longer be used as an identifier for any American. Many people here are already of mixed race anyway. That is awesome!! So no more calling yourself white, black, brown or green.....we are members of the Human race, period. Our only identifier will be "American". Quotas are gone. Bye-bye! Look around this place. We don't make a lot of stuff any more. We are in a real talent pickle and the only way to get past this critical point in our history is to reward excellence. Excellence comes in every color. Those who perform, win. Those who perform, work. Those who perform, make the most cash. This model has worked quite well in the NBA. Who wants to go see the Lakers and Pistons field teams with two quota-mandated 5'6" slow fat uncoordinated white guys who suck ass and can't dribble worth a [censored]? The best performers will rise to the top. Believe us, American industry needs, craves, desires and will reward hard working TALENT. This country needs talent. Not quotas. Oh, and stay in school kiddies. I bet you really do know where the building is. Oh, yeah. One more thing....anyone who keeps a talented, hard working person down and denies that person a job for any reason will go to prison. There ain't no room in this new America for racist backwards troglodyte assholes. That [censored] is tired, stupid and OVER. Are you listening, skinheads? Do you hear us, KKK? Are you listening too, Jesse Jackson and Farrakhan? Your reign of terror is over. No more profiteering on fear and hate-mongering.
REPARATIONS ACT- We are softies at heart. This country has had some sad, sorry [censored] happen in its long history. Slavery is abominable. that is why a check for $5 Million awaits any African American who can prove they are at least 143 years of age and were born on a plantation in the south before 1865. The rest of America needs to get this stupid topic the F OVER WITH. Stop demanding money for things that did not happen to you, from people who did not do anything to you. That milk went sour a long time ago. It is time to grow up and move on.
GREEDY PIGS GET SOME VEGETATION UPSIDE THE HEAD ACT - This act will allow all Americans to toss rotten vegetables at the heads of the greedy, corrupt politicians and corporate fat cats who got us into this current economic bunghole. Stockades will be placed in shopping malls in high-traffic locations ( near food courts ) and free rotten vegetables and fruit will be handed over to anyone with a good fastball. Public humiliation is very entertaining. These will also be available on Pay-Per-View.
Isaac Newton Act, AKA Child Molesters/rapists Punishment-With-Compassion Act : In my administration a Federal mandate will be handed down to ensure child molesters and rapists will ALL be treated with great compassion. You see, they are human too. In our administration, all convicted rapists and child molesters would compassionately learn about science while undergoing their punishment. They would learn firsthand that their selfish, sick actions give them an up-close-and-personal introduction to a scientist hero of ours. His name is Isaac Newton. You see, they would all be hung by their nutsacks until gravity pulls them compassionately away from their weapon. This will take enough time to allow them to truly feel a "tug" on their heartstrings. When they fall to earth, they will be compassionately greeted by the father, uncle, brother, boyfriend, husband or designated hitter of the family, holding a 35 ounce, 36 inch Louisville slugger. This person will be given a private conference room to hold a diplomatic meeting with the person who molested his kid/wife/daughter/girlfriend and share HIS true feelings about the situation. This is compassion. This is diplomacy. This is how you knock these sick bastards right back to the stone age where they belong. Disincentives can be a beautiful thing too. Watch how quickly word spreads among the sickos!!!!
Maybe Ron Paul wants to be my running mate in '012.......to hell with Palin!
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