This place needs a good joke thread.................I'll start things off............................


A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here
and let me tell you about those young boys.

"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that"...

"He is going to try and feel your breasts, you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that".

"But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to
have his way with you. You are going to like that a whole LOT, but don't you let him do that. It will
disgrace the family!!!!!!!!."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she
had predicted. "Grandma, he tried everything just like you said he would. He tried to kiss me, I gave him a little smack. He tried to fondle my breastus's, I gave him a little smack.........and then he DID try to get on top 'o me, and disgrace the family, just like you said!!!!".

.................."so Granny, when he tried, I just wiggled out from under his smelly self, I jumped up quick like, I hiked up my "softer side of Sears" dress, I got on top of HIM, and then I went to town and
disgraced HIS goll-durn family six times in a row!!!!!!!"

A Yuppie wanted to act all tough and sh!t, so he bought a copy of Gray's Sporting Journal and decided to go pheasant hunting. He had all the expensive Filson gear, the jacket, the boots and the $6K Italian double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, blasting a nice pattern of #6 shot right through his Filson $500 hunting pants, turning his penis into a perforated slab of Swiss cheese.

Obviously, he freaked and his Microsoft millionaire hunting pal took him to the ER, where Vhawk administered to his needs. Vince made sure he was operated on by the best penis specialist on the West Coast.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.
"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."


The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?? Surely he must be a famous penis specialist, like you??"

"heh, no, he's not. My brother is a famous concert flutist. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye".

I'm not even going to get involved in this....
I think it's a great idea, but all of my jokes probably are not safe for a public website...

A smarmy Bellevue lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
Clyde Hill and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from
Bothell. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says: "What for?"
Deputy says: "You didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "My good man, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket, you ruffian!"

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point the
deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the feces out of the lawyer
and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

I must give full credit for this gem to the notorious Backyard , he of 20-steelhead days, a tungsten liver and 110 foot casts with his off hand...here's to ya Chris!


][/

Mingo,

That last one was great.

Keep it up

Kinda risque-but here goes.... A night nurse at a nursing home loved to get her kicks by standing spread eagle over the old guys in their beds, wearing no panties, hiking up her skirt and proclaiming "Super Pussy!" One night, as she performed this trick for a new arrival, the old guy looks up at her, thinks for a minute, and says "I think I'll have the soup!"....

For Todd:

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house:

"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because that mutt is a F'in bald-faced liar. He never did ANY of that sh!t!!!!!!"

A guy is drinking in a bar and gets really drunk. He's so drunk that he throws up on himself. He says to the bartender, "my wife is going to kill me, she just bought me this shirt and I puked on it". The bartender says, "put $10 in the pocket and when you get home, tell your wife that your friend got drunk and puked on you and he gave you $10 to get the shirt cleaned". So, the drunk goes home and his wife greets him at the door and asks him what happened to his new shirt. The drunk husband replies, "my buddy threw up on me and he gave me $10 to get the shirt cleaned, there's $10 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in his pocket and pulls out a $20 bill. She says, "this is $20, not $10". The drunk husband replies, "he sh!t in my pants, too".

Mingo, those anti-terrorism pictures are hilarious! "If you are trapped under debris, conserve oxygen by not farting" I'm cracking up in the computer lab, and people are starting to look at me funny.

Subject: VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage & no bike!"

The upset Wife


She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you
what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!"

And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I
took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested
a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty
and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I
gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't
wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear
that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't
have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for
Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated
those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because
someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said ..

'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

JLH, that was hilarious!

courtesy of Sloan..............

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind, honey, I don’t either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours in every position and orifice imaginable. The genie runs the enthusiastic wife through a veritable treasure trove of porno moves, kama sutra chapters and tantric action that leave her gasping for air.

After he’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And that dumba$$ still believes in GENIES????

A guy was in the pro shop before his tee time and spotted a friend across the shop just comng in from a round. He went over, greated his friend and asked him how he did. His friend answered in a very rasping voice " Not so good.". The guy asked his friend if he had a bad cold or something. His friend replies "No, I'm not sick but I did get hit in the throat with a nine iron.". "What happened?", the first guy replies.
His friend says "You know out by the 12th hole there's that cow pasture. Well, I teed off and hit it right into the pasture. I went over the fence and into the pasture to find my ball. There was woman out there looking for her ball also. I then noticed one of the cows kinda wiggling her ass kinda funny. I went over and lifted the cow's tail and damned if there wasn't a golfball stuck right in her under her tail. The ball was a Dunlop so I knew it wasn't mine. I called to the woman and said "I think I found your golfball." She came over and I lifted the cows tail and said "Does that look like yours?" And she hit me in throat with a nine iron."

A dude, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law was hit by a tour bus and passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, OR I can put together a very warm memorial service right here, so you can bury her here in the Holy Land for the low-low price of just $150.00!!!!"

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00 and have her be buried forever right here in the Holy Land???

The man said, "Look man, I'm no dummy.....I went to Sunday School and I know for a fact that a man died here nearly 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I will NOT take that chance!!!!!

JIM'S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT
Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!"

The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and
brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Jim has been missing since Friday.

For all you guys with blond wives...
Whats the difference between a blond and a pickle jar?
You can only get 3 fingers in a pickle jar...

Post deleted by parker