While visiting Scotland George decided to visit a rustic looking Pub. He ordered up some ale and sat down at the bar next to a man who appeared to be very disappointed with life. The man looked up at George and just started talking. My name is Lonnie McDonald, Ya see this bar is is the finest bar in all of Scotland? I built this bar with my own two hands. I cut down the walnut tree selected just the right grain. Then I shaped it, sanded it and finished it. Do they call me McDonald the bar builder? No!!

Ya see that stone wall in the courtyard? It is the strongest most perfect stone wall in all of Scotland. I built that wall with my own two hands. I cut the stones to shape brought them here and mixed the perfect morter. Then I built it to perfection. Do they call me McDonald the wall builder? No!!

Ya see that magnificient sailboat out in the harbor? I abuilt that boat with my own two hands. I selected and cut just the right trees. I carved them to size and mixed a perfect sealent of pine tar. It is the most seaworthy boat in all of Scotland. Do they call me McDonald the boat builder? No!!

But ya get too drunk one night and f**k one goat and what are ye forever known as??

Subject: There's Teeth Down There!!!

A little boy goes shopping with his mother, and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While Waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's Skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that Women have teeth down there?"The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky Stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little Boy Grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing To her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself.." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek." No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have Teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I don't have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised.

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of [censored], and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how [censored] happens.

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a
> bad day at work think of this guy.
>
> Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
> Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
>
> Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
> station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was
> sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
>
> Hi Sue,
>
> Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
>
> Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
> down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
> to make you realize it's not so bad after all .
>
> Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you
> with a few technicalities of my job.
>
> As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.. I wear a suit
> to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is
> quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
> powered
> industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
> water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
>
> It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
> taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
> I've used it several times with no complaints.
>
> What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
> hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my
> whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
> itch. So, of course, I scratched it.. This only made things worse.
>
> Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
> from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
> happened.
>
> The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into
> my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
> jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was
> not as fortunate.
>
> When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
> grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
>
> I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
> His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with
> five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
>
> Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
> agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
> before I could
> reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
> arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
>
> As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
> running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
> it on my butt as soon as
> I got in the chamber.
>
> The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days
> because my butt was swollen shut.
>
> So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
> worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
>
> Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
> >
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
> >
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
> >
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
> >
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"




The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.

A new worker for social services notices that a woman that was recieving a welfare check for 6 kids was due for a visit. Upon reaching her single wide mobile home, he asked her if to verify how many children she had. She informed them that she had 6 boys. "could I see them?" the social worker asked. "Sure, They are just playing down the street" , she replied. She then opened the door and yelled "Tommy!!" at the top of her lungs. In less than a minute 6 boys from 5 to 11 years old ran in the door. "Wow" the social worker exclaimed, "how did they all know to come when you yelled Tommy?"
"Oh", said the mother "I named them all the same so it would be easier on me."
"well, yeahc" says the social worker, "but what about when you only need one of them. What do you do then?"
"Thats easy." said the Mother, "I just use their last name."

T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with
a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'

A father walks into his sons room and says...."Son if you masterbate too much you will go blind"......the son replies...."dad i am over here!"

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


----------------


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a super hottie deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a boat, liquor store, and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

Translated:

Me, me, me, me, me, me......

Funny, I thought about you while I posted this...

If the broad has a garden I'll fight ya for her Sol.

Sad sad tale about a man named Decker
cursed from birth with a corkscrew pecker
spent his whole life on a futile chase
searching for a girl with a corkscrew case.

He finally found her
but now he's dead
cause the goddamned thing
had a lefthand thread.

True story

Raunchy and Refreshing

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
____________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
____________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

____________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

____________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
____________________________________________


6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
____________________________________________


7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
____________________________________________


8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
____________________________________________


9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
____________________________________________


10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.

____________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
____________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
"Are you in?"
____________________________________________


13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, "You died in
your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to
live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's
only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm
near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and
pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your
first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the
rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no
big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an
egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back
of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND Lawyers should never ask a
Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known yosince you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He
motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney
before I die" whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a
response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be
delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney "I
don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will
certainly help our images."
Cheney couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Cheney's
hand in his right hand and Bush's hand in his left. There was
silence and a look of serenity on the priest's face.

Finally Vice President Cheney spoke. "Father, of all the people
you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you
as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my
life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Cheney
"Amen" said Bush

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

Post deleted, video won't work.

The Divorced Barbie Doll


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"


The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".



The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,"Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...one of Ken's Friends"