Read the following out loud. Please read slowly and LOUDLY!

I M SOFA
KING WE
TODD DID
:p

good one dutz lmao

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All
went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost
interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing
happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had
transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a
lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive
that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic
and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather
bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great.
I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing
someone."

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

“Who knows what sound a cow makes?” she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said “Moooo!”

“Very good” replied the teacher, “what sound do sheep make?”

“Baaaa” answered Johnny.

She continued this for a while.

Then she asked “What sound does a pig make?”

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little Osprey at the back of the class.

Little Osprey stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, “Up against the wall, motherf@#$er!”

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.

“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

Hey yall
I was wounderin about he farm jokes jk.
Dude I cant stop laughin
keep them comming

This Big Bear walks into the bar and sits down next to the ugly broad and orders a beer.
The Bartender says " We don't serve bears in this Bar"
The Bear, enraged, chomps the head off the ugly broad and chows it down.
The bartender says " do you feel better now?"
"No, why?" growls the bear.
"That was the bar ***** you ate"

Bringing this post back toward the top of BB page 1, so new readers can access it easier.

Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$!%?* box all
day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see
who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a
piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

.. And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" She replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" The girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

The next day the doctor has to examine a blond and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the blond replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John
suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him.
He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act...

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental hospital, as
he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, we have good news and bad news for you!

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another
patient you must be mentally stable.

The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in
the bathroom, and died.

David replied, Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry.

As the mated pair of Canadian Geese were making their way South for the winter, Mrs. Goose was shot dead by a hunter. Deeply hurt and distraught, Mr. Goose continued his journey South. Finally, after many days of flying, Mr. Goose made the way to his beach-front condominium in Cancun.

It was a long flight down South and our Goose friend was feeling the urge to sew his wild oats. So, Mr. Goose donned his best Canadian Suit, and headed out for a night on the town.

It didn’t take long in the local Meat Market Dance Club, for Mr. Goose to find an attractive Dove. Although not a Canadian Goose, this dove would do just fine, so he took the Dove back to his new swingin’ Bachelor Pad.

All night long, the Dove kept repeating, “I’m a dove, and I’m ready for love. I’m a dove, and I’m ready for love.”

Finally, Mr. Goose got so sick of this dove, that he tossed the Dove out of his pad and spent the rest of the night alone.

The next day came, and our Goose Friend was starting to feel really randy! Again, back at his favorite Dance Club, Mr. Goose picked up on a hot Lune. Puttin’ the moves on the Lune was easy, and it was a sure thing to get the Lune back to the Pad for some good lovin’.

Instead of some bumpin’ uglies, the Lune kept on repeating, “I’m a Lune and I want to be swooned. I’m a Lune and I want to be swooned.”

“Ah, Crikey! I can’t take this crap!”, exclaimed our Goose, as he booted the Lune out of his pad that night!

Now, more then ever, our heroic Goose was determined to score on the third evening! Putting on that special cologne and a new Canadian Tuxedo, the sharp-dressed Goose headed out to the ritziest club in all of Cancun. It didn’t take long until Mr. Goose attracted the attention of a fine duck. <Uh oh, do we see where we are going with this?>

Knowing this was the night, the goose took the duck home. Back at the pad, after some champagne, some soft music, and some candle light, Mr. Goose was ready. Oddly, the duck hadn’t said a word the entire night. Feeling a little confused, Mr. Goose asked the duck.

“I brought home a Dove, and it wouldn’t shut up. I brought home a Lune, and it was worse the the Dove. You haven’t said a word all night? What’s wrong, babby?”

Just then, the duck yelled out. “I’m a Drake, and this is a big mistake! I’m a Drake, and this is a big mistake!”

PS - Lune as in the bird - Don't know why, but it thinks a lune, spelled with two oo's is a bad word.

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: parker ]

A guy driving down a road in Montana notices a guy making out with a sheep in a pasture. He gets all upset and pulls into the nearest house, he goes up to the door, and a kid answers. The guy "screaming" by this time tells the kid what he had seen and asks if he knows who it is? The kid says "thats my daaaaaaaaaaad"


This joke is baaaaaaaaaaad. But funny.


[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: dogsalmon ]

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

A young man courts a very beautiful but inhibited quaker girl for a long time. Whenever he tried to become intimate with her she shyed away from anything, telling him only after we are married and that she prefers not to talk about sex. Well this girl was an absolute gorgeous young woman and the man fell for her and asked her to marry him. She accepted. With great built up expectations, the young groom headed off with his new bride on their honeymoon. But woe is me for the consumation to be. The frigid young bride tells her husband that she is just not ready yet, she needs a little more time. And to please not talk about sex. Very frustrated, but an understanding and loving husband, he conceeds to await her readyness. But woe is me for the honeymoon to be. She did not become ready and they had to leave for home. Well, this scenario continued for awhile until one night when the young couple went to bed he said to his wife "Honey, I know you aren't ready to make love yet and don't even want to talk about sex. So, I have come up with a way to communcate about it, until you are ready, without having to talk about it. This is how it's going to work every night - starting right now! If you are finally ready to make love you reach over and pull on my unit. If you are not ready to make love you reach over and pull on it a hundred times."

how many country and western singers does it take to change a lite bulb ?? five, one to change it and the other 4 sing about how much they miss the old lite bulb.

Three guys walk into a BAR
And the fourth one DUCKS

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.
The brunette says "Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!"

The blonde looks up in the sky and says,"Where?"

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

These are the 'contest judges' written notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey & fell into it:


"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State
Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, & I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

- Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy sheeyat, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

- Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am suppose to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

- Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting [Bleeeeep!]-faced.

- Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. beeyotch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

- Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me colapsed. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage and maybe an ulcer. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

- Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
& peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. ... I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

- Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like [Bleeeeep!] to match
my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

-Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell & pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: ............ grrgle.

[ 05-04-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

A True story..... taken from the Associated Press headlines ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. She offered to go to the supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed the young woman sitting in the car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the
head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. :p

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

Further investigation of the scene revealed that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and a wad of dough had hit the young woman in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially
passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Scott