A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem.
My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over
this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills
to satisfy them all.

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on one
condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check
you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING
The doctor says, "What happened?" To which the man replied, "Nobody
showed up!"

I'm gonna change this joke to make it a little more regional.

Three blonds were in a sled this weekend on the Wynoochee. They all had lines in the water. Sure enough a game warden making a run up the river spots them and heads full speed towards them. The river is closed so he's in a hurry to do some confiscating and ticket writing.

He docks up to the blonds boat and the blonds barely move a muscle. The warden says "Do you know the rivers closed? I'm going to need to see your licenses." One of the blonds speaks up "Officer, we are looking for jewerly and odds and ends on the bottom of the river. We have magnets attached to the end of all our fishing rods." The officer says "Well, I'm going to need all three of you reel up your lines so I can see these so called magnets." Sure enough, all three blonds reel up their lines and all three have big magnets on their lines. The officer shakes his head then says "Well, you're doing nothing illegal, so have a nice day." He jumps back in his boat and heads up river to see if anyone is poaching. Just as he turns out of sight the three blonds starting laughing their asses off. The blond who originally spoke with him blurts out "That officer is such an idiot, doesn't he know there's STEELhead in this river?!?!?!"

Sorry if I offended any blonds out there.

Corporate Talk

Helping you figure out those slick and glossy phrases from companies
recruiting -- Here are what they actually mean.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself
to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and,
if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their
weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.

That's a good one MB! I would've laughed harder if they weren't so close to the sad truth for many corporations. Thanks, enjoyed it. - RT

A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl and it attacked her! In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree
to the ground and got many splinters in
her private parts.

In consciderable pain, she hurried to the nearest Doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examination room
and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded "what took you so long?" And he replied,
"well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service amd the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

Glad you liked that one RT! Lets try this one:

The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment:

* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,

craps over everything and then leaves.

* Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming

upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

* Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the

employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

* CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe

ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within

earshot is a serious CLM.

* Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just

above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere

are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they

were designed to solve.

* Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived

from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip

character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs

for the fourth time this week."

* Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of

planning to leave the company or department soon.

* 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error

message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could

not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."

* Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the

same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,

subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot

what city we were in.

* Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize

that you've just made a BIG mistake.

* Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of

an electronic device to get it to work again.

* Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed

intimate relationship, as in "This is , my ... um ... friend."

* Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

* Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators

running.

* Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch

potato.

Two guys on their way home from work stop at the bar... They drink a bunch and one guy says I gotta go home, I am getting pretty drunk. The other guy talks him out of it and they start doing straight shots.. after awhile the fist guy is so hammered he up and pukes all over himself.. oh my god.. my wife is going to kill me now, I'm late, I'm drunk, and now I have puke all over me. His freind says.. no worrys buddy, just stick a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket, when your wife asks about all that puke, just tell her someone else puked all over you and gave you the 20 to cover the dry cleaning bill. So off he went stumbling home. When the wife see's him she is pissed off big time... your drunk and late and look at you.. you have puke all over yourself. He tells her... wait honey, I did'nt do that some other guy did it and gave me this here 20 dollar bill to cover the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his shirt pocket and says.. this is 40 dollars.. to which he replys,, Oh.. I almost forgot..he **** in my pants too

Two guys on their way home from work stop at the bar... They drink a bunch and one guy says I gotta go home, I am getting pretty drunk. The other guy talks him out of it and they start doing straight shots.. after awhile the fist guy is so hammered he up and pukes all over himself.. oh my god.. my wife is going to kill me now, I'm late, I'm drunk, and now I have puke all over me. His freind says.. no worrys buddy, just stick a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket, when your wife asks about all that puke, just tell her someone else puked all over you and gave you the 20 to cover the dry cleaning bill. So off he went stumbling home. When the wife see's him she is pissed off big time... your drunk and late and look at you.. you have puke all over yourself. He tells her... wait honey, I did'nt do that some other guy did it and gave me this here 20 dollar bill to cover the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his shirt pocket and says.. this is 40 dollars.. to which he replys,, Oh.. I almost forgot..he **** in my pants too

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
> Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ***

> Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

> Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
> There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
> An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer:"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.
>
> Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
> An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week" The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

> > Subject: Pet Fish
> >
> > A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with
two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.
> > The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
> The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
> "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
> "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
> The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here,I'll show you. It really works."
> "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now.
> The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
> After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said,
"Well?"
> "Well, What?" the man responded.
> "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
> "Call who back?" The man asked.
> "The FISH."
> "What fish?" The man asked.

I've been requested to come up with a little joke, so here goes.

Two sales guys are working for a toothbrush company going door-to-door to sell their brushes. They are each making good money selling 25,000-30,000 per month.
A guy within the company really wants to join the ranks of the sales guys but he has a horrible speech impediment (stuttering and whining at the same time when I reference him talking). He asks the pros " Hhhhooww ddooo III ddooo iittt?" (I'll only do that once, you get the idea). They tell him the lines to use and send him off, door-to-door.
At the end of the next month, they're comparing numbers and realize speech guy only sold 10 brushes. Well, he needs a month to get up and running they figure.
Another month goes by, he only sells 6. Wow, he's not going to make it, they now think.
At the end of third month, they're comparing numbers and realize the guy sold 125,000 brushes. Holy cow, they say. How did you do that. The guys tells them he went to the airport and sold them to people getting on planes. Well this they gotta see.
So, they go out to the airport and sneak up and watch the guy. He has a little booth set up and he's giving away free chips and dip. They move in a little closer to see how he closes the deal, this super sales guy!
This is what they over heard;

Hi, would you like a free chip to dip.

Yes, I would. Hey, that dip tastes like $hit!

Why, thats because it IS pigeon $hit, wanna buy a toothbrush?

what did one lesbian say to the other lesbian ??? "you da man"

> Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided

they needed to visit a whorehouse. When they arrived at the house, the
Madame took one look at them and decided that they haven't had sex in
so
long that in the dark they wouldn't be able to tell the difference
between
real women and blow-up dolls. She wasn't going to waste any of her
girls
on these two old men. She decided to use the blow-up dolls instead.
She
put the dolls in each man's room, turned out the lights, led the men to
their rooms, and left them to their business. After the two men were
finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man
said, "I
think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked, or groaned...
how
was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The
first man asked, "Why's that?"
> "Well," said the second man, "I bit her on the [Bleeeeep!]... she farted
and
flew out the window!"

A truckdriver walks into a cathouse and says "I've got $500 and I want your fattest, ugliest, b!tchiest woman and a bologna sandwich too!!!"

The madam replys "Sir, for $500 you can have our youngest, most attractive woman and a filet mignon."

The truckdriver answers "Lady, I'm not horny I'm homesick!!!"

OK, that does it! Dog, Timber, SAUK - go to the chalk board and write "I am naughty" 100 times. ...

Naaah, jk. Funny stuff! Just keep in mind though that there are adults that frequent this thread and we gotta keep from letting the jokes become ... let's see ... word, need word ... ah, 'too adult'. Ya that's it, not too adult. I've been thru a harrowing joke thread that got carried away - not that those 3 jokes were, but they could lead to that - so please members, don't let following jokes begin to degrade into jokes like I tell off the board. Keep good funny ones coming though; we love it. Thanks guys. - Steve ...

Edit: Pssst ... (whispering) hey guys, e-mail me the really good ones though

[ 04-18-2001: Message edited by: RT ]

Children should not be letting their parents surf the net unsupervised anyway!

No offense intended to you fisherwomen out there:

Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by males)

> >1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
> >
> >2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
> >
> >3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
> >
> >4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
> >
> >5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
> >
> >6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
> >
> >7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
> >
> >8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
> >
> >9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
> >
> >10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
> >
> >11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
> >
> >12. Introduction to Parking.
> >
> >13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
> >
> >14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
> >
> >15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
> >
> >16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
> >
> >17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
> >
> >18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
> >
> >19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
> >
> >20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
> >
> >21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
> >
> >22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
> >
> >23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
> >
> >24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
> >
> >25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the first time)
> >
> >26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
> >
> >27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -Why Men Lie.

MB
So when do the seminars start I know of at least for or five ladies that live on my flour that should attend some thing like that

Subject: Drug names

Tylenol: Acetaminophen. Aleve: Naproxen. Advil: Ibuprofen, and so on.

Today the FDA, after considering generic names for Viagra, announced that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were:

Mycoxafloppin:
Mydixadrupin:
Mydixarizin:
Alimpdixafixit:

the Lady answers the door to find a State Trooper Standing there. He says
"Ma'am, I have some good news for you and some bad news. The Bad news is that your son has been involved in a horrible car crash and he is paralyzed from the neck down. You are going to have to bathe him, feed him, clothe him, etc for the rest of his life"
"My God thats horrible!! Whats the good news?"
"I'm kidding, he's Dead"