Sorry about another non-fishing related post but I couldnt help myself. I thought the following was too funny...

As voted on by users of the Web. There were over 100,000 votes recieved from 70 differnt countries.


Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

This is a sick joke. If you are easily offended you certainly will be.

The trooper knocks on the Ladies door and says
"Ma'am , I have some good news for you and some bad news for you. The bad news is that y our son has been in a horrible car accident. He has been paralyzed from the neck down. You are going to have to bath him, feed him, clean him for the rest of his life.
The Woman, wailing cries
"Thats horrible, horrible what ever will I do, Whats the good News?"


Trooper -
"I'm kidding. He's Dead"

[ 12-21-2001: Message edited by: GutZ ]

Sick, but funny in a morbid way.

Here is the funniest one I've heard recently....
.
How do you make 3 old women say F***?
.
Have a 4th yell "BINGO"

I guess I have to add my funny....

Two friends go out for a morning of fishing and one says to the other, "Yesterday I got a fishing pole for my wife."

The friend replys back, "Really? What a GREAT trade!"

I had to share this. I thought it was great.

http://home.houston.rr.com/surrenderownz/auction.htm

BR,

Did you take a look at his choice in music he bought at auction? Pantera, Ozzy, Ramstein, Sepultera. Sounds like a good old fashioned Hitler Jungen candidate. I showed the description to folks in my office and they just howled!

Andy

Almost a date....
A man enter his favorite ritzy restraunt and while sitting at his regular table, he notice a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her- knowing that if she acceptsit, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying that this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading the note, sends on of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850il, and a Mercedes 560SL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

GBS...the best head is steelhead???? maybe you need to get out more often and meet some women?? LOL j/k

This one is kind of crude but funny. and Long.

A family of four in the Back hills of Arkansas, Ma, Pa, Jimmy and little Suzy. one morning while Jimmy is out splitting wood ma and pa realize it's his eighteenth birthday. Ma say's to Pa don't you think it's about time we talked to Jimmy about sex. Pa agrees and goes to get Jimmy while Ma goes upstairs to get ready.
Pa: Jimmy let me ask you a question.

Jimmy: Sure Pa.

Pa: What you know about sex Boy?

Jimmy: Well you know I gots a good idea, I've seen the dogs and cattle do it. I think I know what's going on.

Pa: Well come up to the house and for you birthday me and ma are gonna teach you about sex.

Pa and Jimmy go upstairs and pa opens the bedroom door and there's ma buck naked spread eagle waiting for pa.

Pa: Now son I what you to pay close attention cuz this is what sex is all about. See that hole there between ma's legs? Watch this.

As pa mounts up on ma and gets busy, ma just into it hooting and hollering and all sorts of noise. Little Suzy hears the commotion and comes a running.

Suzy: Jimmy what's pa doing to ma why is she so upset.

Jimmy: Ma's no upset Suzy that's just sex.

Suzy: What's sex?

Jimmy: Well suzy I'll tell you. See that hole there between pa's legs? What this!!!!

brshooter that was great!

~ Dr Pepper

hadn't heard than one before svr.

LMAO

I wonder if that's what Hey Y'all means when he says "Watch This!!""""
j/k

that was scary...glad i dont live in the backwoods!!!

Ryan, I have a great joke but it is an attachment and I do not know how to get it on here. Is there anyway I could forward it to someone and have them put it up. It's a great blond one.fp

fp-
Send it to ryanpetzold@email.msn.com and Ill put it up here for 'ya!!

Q: What is the difference between anal sex and cooking in a microwave?

A: Cooking in a microwave won't brown your meat.

A couple goes into a classy restaurant and orders dinner. Just after the waitor delivers the soup the man drops his soup spoon. The waitor instantly pulls a place setting out of his pocket and gives the man a new spoon. The man is amazed that the waitor had thought to carry a place setting in his pocket. The man had to speak up "Why that is great that you had an extra palce setting in your pocket why did you start doing that?"

The waitor replyed "We had an efficiency expert in here a couple of weeks ago and he conluded that if we carry an extra place setting we will be able to save alot of time and provide better service"

The man replied "That is fascinating what else did he teach you?"

Waitor; "Well he told the men to tie a string around their penis, that way when we have to go to the bathroom we won't have to touch it and won't have to wash up after"

The man: "Very interesting... But how do you get it back in your pants if you don't touch it?"

Waitor "I don't know about the other guys but I usually use the soup spoon"


Hope you guys liked it!!!

SVR, your life experiences do not need to be spread amongst your fellow fisherman. I know that was a hard time in your life. I'm here for you bud!!

FishBelly, Nice one but I changed the names to disguise them so people wouldn't know it was your family. Don't you think Ma, Pa, Fishbelly, and fishbut would of been dead giveaways?
Later,
See ya on the river I'm leaving now.

Oldy but one of my faves:

Why do Somoans eyes get red after sex?


From the mace!

(PC disclaimer: Any ethnic group could be used here. Any Samoans please feel free to use Swede as that is my "group")

A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession and these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green." "That is your sin?" "Yes, Father." "You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."

The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and kneels. "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest thinks to himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners. "Those are your sins?" "Yes, Father." "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

The man left. Soon, another entered and knelt. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession, and these are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months." This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?" "Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply. "Very well," said the priest, "you are forgiven. Go out and say ten
hail Marys."

The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front of his congregation. The doors flew open in the back of the church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather. She walked straight up the
aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest just stared. He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy. "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?" The alter boy had a long, hard look and said, "No, Father. I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

fp's great blonde joke:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for
the same job interview.

The brunette is the first one to go in, and after
filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question: "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer
sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining
candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the
same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says "ok, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very
serious look on her face and starts counting her
fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 .... hmmm - wait... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two" The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did
you arrive at this answer?"

To hear her response to the question "How many D's are in Indiana Jones?" open the attached wave file.

Punchline

--------------------

Ryan S. Petzold
aka
'Sparkey' and/or Special

[ 12-22-2001: Message edited by: RPetzold ]

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves! While I am mod'in here for a bit there will be none of those type jokes of a sexual nature! Some people are not aware that sex is natural and OK.
----------------

My joke:

A young man in his early 20's meets and falls madly in love with a beautiful Quaker girl. She is not only a virgin, but she is sexually inhibited. So the young man is informed he must wait until marriage, and not even talk about sex until then. Well, you know how it is guys, but this dude is head over heels ... ah, make that ... very much in love so he abides her wishes; and then they become engaged to be married. >

With much anticipation on their wedding night the young amerous groom can hardly wait until they 'consumate' the marriage physically. When they arrive in bed and he brings up the subject, much to his astonishment, his gorgeous bride informs him that she is still not quite ready to make love yet, and please be patient with her. And she tells him not to talk about sex, that she will tell him when she is ready. Fine he says. After a few days he can't stand it any longer and brings up the subject again. Same scenario all over again. This time he just rolls over frustrated and tries to get to sleep. A few days later, and in 'heat' and tired of waiting for her to abide, the poor guy brings up the subject again. Only this time he tells her that he has come up with a better way for them to communicate about having sex without them having to talk about it. He says to her, "This is how it is going to work - every night. If you are finally in the mood to make love you are to reach over and pull on my penis. If you are not ready to make love you are to reach over and pull on my penis one hundred times."

Q. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

A. "Dam"

So, Moses and St. Peter are playing golf. They set out on the first tee, a 385 yard par four, dogleg to the left, with out of bounds forest right, and hazards to the left. Moses wins the toss, and steps up to drive. Belts one 265 yards down the center left of the fairway, sitting pretty for his approach shot.

St. Peter steps up to the tee, waggles 4 times, and lets fly. The ball arches high, and commences a screaming slice towards the woods on the right. Just as the ball descends towards the trees, an angel appears from the heavens. The angel grabs the ball, flies over the fairway, and drops it 20 yards closer to the pin than Moses' ball.

"Ah, c'mon, Pete," says Moses, "not when we're playing for money."

So a Docter goes to the pearly gate and St. Peters there. Peter ask what his I.Q. is and the Docter syas 160. Peters says that's pretty good and ask what he did on earth. The Doc says "I'm a Docter and I help people who are suffering. Peter says come on in.
Next person arrives and peter ask what his I.Q. is. He says 140 and peter says come on in.
Another person comes and peter ask his I.Q and the person says 12 and peter says 12! He thought for a while and then ask,"Did you get your elk yet."