"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about
the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been
drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when
we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and
Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the
quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're
hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan" --David Letterman
"This just in, earlier today, Dick and Lynne Cheney shot up a gas
station." --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident
on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They
called it 'Interview with a Marksman.'" --Jay Leno
"In an interview on Fox News, Dick Cheney took full responsibility
for shooting a fellow hunter. Then surprisingly, he broke down and
admitted to killing two drifters in Flagstaff, Arizona in 1989." --
Jay Leno
"Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one
beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one." --Jay Leno
"They were in a car, they drive along, they get out of the car, he
shoots his friend in the face, then they get back in the car and
they go hide for 18 hours. That's not hunting ... that's an episode
of 'The Sopranos'" --Jay Leno
"See, this is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to
steal money. They're just not good with guns, they don't know how to
handle them." --Jay Leno
"Today, President Bush says he is standing behind the vice
president. Way behind him." --Jay Leno
"America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being
called 'Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'" --Jon Stewart
"A mere five days after shooting a man in the face, Vice President
Dick Cheney broke his silence about the incident by submitting to a
no-holds-barred grilling at a public press conference. I'm just
kidding. ... Actually, he sat down with Brit Hume on Fox News for
not some much a grilling -- more of a teat suckle." --Jon Stewart
"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick
Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting
down with the Pancake Channel." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot
was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing
unit right out of his own heart to make up for it." --Jimmy Kimmel
There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before
he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he
did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even
drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Happy Valentine's Day. Good news, good news today -- so far Dick
Cheney has not shot anybody." --David Letterman
"Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today
Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow." --David
Letterman
"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the
vice president try to kill again." --David Letterman
"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to
tell the president." --David Letterman
"You can't blame [Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without
warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a
trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few
guys.'" --Jay Leno
"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the
government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno
"What a nightmare I had last night. I dreamed I was at a Washington
party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting
trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home." --Jay Leno
"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to
wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he
shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this --
what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"--Jay Leno
"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on
the ground he actually handed himself his own business card." --Jay
Leno
"After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I
get those all the time. Walk it off." --Jay Leno
"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're
going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly
Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon
Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered (Watch video
clip)
"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt,
and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into
Iraq." --David Letterman
"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35
are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a
husband." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-
president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was
unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also
want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they
handled the situation. First, they didn't tell the media for almost
a full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious.
They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old
man in the face." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of
mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney." --David Letterman, on Cheney's
shooting accident
"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had
denied the guy's request for body armor." --David Letterman
"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney." --
David Letterman
"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big
Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads
of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --
David Letterman
"I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than
shooting your buddy in the ass?" --David Letterman
"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the
guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the
White House since Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old
lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his
popularity is now at 92 percent." --Jay Leno
"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he
screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal?'" -
-Jay Leno
"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney
on the stretcher. No, the other guy!" --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the
new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!" --Jay Leno
"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know
that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot
him?" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail
hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot
by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course,
(was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity
and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon
Stewart (Watch video clip)
"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also
raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ...
moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this
enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice
president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're
trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted --
it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart
"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry
Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available,
there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time
there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be
a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he
still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the
world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the
entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --"Daily Show"
correspondent Rob Corddry
"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he
can use his other face. He'll be all right." --Craig Ferguson
"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down,
because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm
going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson
"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for
18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased
about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can
keep." --Craig Ferguson
"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right
away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never
stopped them in the past." --Craig Ferguson
"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and
shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy
Kimmel
"The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy
got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat
what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a
bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that
could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael
Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high
powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only
reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that
never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five
years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the
devil." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-
year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you
are now a Crip." --Jimmy Kimmel
_________________________
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of
Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter
of the gods.
-- Albert Einstein
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