Redneck Pick-up Lines

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special.
My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Subject: The Pearly Gates

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"

The man responded. "Well, I can think of one thing, once, on a trip to the
Black Hills of in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring
and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago..." said the man

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Vaseline



Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.


It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a HUGE stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and they have sex right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.


He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs he mom, they too have sex on the dinner table, and has his her every which way.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.


Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

"All right, that's enough, I'll do the &%#@!! dishes!"

A teacher is teaching sex education to a 4th grade class.She pulls down a roll up poster of women and points to the breast and asked the class who can tell me what these are? Little Tommy raises his hand and says I know I know .Ok Tommy what are they? They are breast and my mom has two of them . Very good Tommy.
Then the teacher pulls down a picture of man amd points to the penis and asked who can tell me what that is ? Again little Tommy raises his hand ,the teacher says ok Tommy what is it .It's a penis and my daddy has two them.The teacher laughs and says he doesn't have two of them . Tommy says he sure does he has one about this long he pees with and one this long he brushes my moms teeth with .

How to be a Republican

>
> > Some humor for you today:
> >
> > > Subject: To be a Republican you need to believe:
> > >
> > > 1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
> >Clinton
> > >
> > > 2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
> > > Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
> > > and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
> > >
> > > 3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but
> > > trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
> > > harmony.
> > >
> > > 4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
> > > highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
> > >
> > > 5. A woman can 't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
> > > multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all
> > > mankind without regulation.
> > >
> > > 6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
> > > speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
> > >
> > > 7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
> > >
> > > 8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
> > > then demand their cooperation and money.
> > >
> > > 9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
> > > health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO's and insurance
> > > companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
> > >
> > > 10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science , but
> > > creationism should be taught in schools.
> > >
> > > 11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
> > > offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
> > > thousands die is solid defense policy.
> > >
> > > 12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
> > > Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
> > > Internet.
> > >
> > > 13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
> > > George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
> > >
> > > 14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're
> > > a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our
> > > prayers for your recovery.
> > >
> > > 15. Supporting "Executi ve Privilege" for every Republican ever born,
> > > who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
> > >
> > > 16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960's is of vital national
> > > interest, but what Bush did in the '80's is irrelevant.
> > >
> > > 17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
> > > wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so
he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the
banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull
just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of
all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced
all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local
supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. packag e of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt
to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as
I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I loo ked at the s ix items on the
belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Lighten your day

When insults had class


There was a time when people were much less mobile and
tended to live and work in smaller communities. Even cites were smaller, and
people had to learn to live together under all circumstances. So if you were
going to insult someone, a simple "You're a jerk!" would not do. It
would linger. A proper insult had class, like these examples:


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

Winston Churchill


"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emot ions come from big words?"

Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

Moses Hadas


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."

Abraham Lincoln


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill, to which Churchill replied:


"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

Winston Churchill


"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you her e."

Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

Paul Keating


"He had delusions of adequacy."

Walter Kerr


"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

Thomas Brackett Reed


"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."

James Reston (about Richard Nixon)


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Two deaf people


Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights
out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,
The wife figures out a solution.

She writes:
'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at
night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two
times.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if
she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one
time.

If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and
Fifty times.

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said: "Since
Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to
bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile
of dog sh!t in place of the gifts he requests."



Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted
for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a fukking train going around the
shitty tree. And when I go outside I want to see a nice ass bike
leaning up against the goddamn garage."



Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog [censored].
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree.
Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog sh!t
by the garage.



When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his
Dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"



Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the motherfucker!"

A man has killed many big game animals in his life and now he wants to shoot a grizzly. He goes to Alaska, finds a good stand and waits until a bear comes out in the clearing below him. Boom! He shoots and sees the grizzly drop. He runs down to the clearing, but there's no bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around only to have the bear knock his rifle out of his hand. The bear hovers over him and he knows he's dead, but then the grizzly speaks and says "I could maul you for hours or days before you die, or, you can give me a blow job and I'll let you live." The hunter thinks for a moment and decides he'll be able to get even if he survives, so he does the deed.

One week later, he goes out to the same stand with a new scope sighted in on his gun and waits. The same bear walks out in the clearing. Boom! The bear drops in it's tracks. He runs down to the clearing, but no bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder. "You know the routine," says the bear.

One week later, new gun, new scope, 100 rounds of practice at the shooting range, the hunter goes back. Out comes the bear - he aims, takes a deep breath, aims again, then pulls the trigger. The grizzly is a big heap in the middle of the clearing, but he waits. After several hours, he goes down to the clearing, but no bear. He feels the tap on his shoulder.

The grizzly looks at him and says, "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"

Top Ten Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After
ordering their
cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest
addition to their junkyard
business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is
eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real
distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says
"Kin ya swallar?" The
woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn
blue and shakes her head
no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts
up the back of her dress
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right
butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins
to breathe again, the
hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that
there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

pure genious

Glad ya liked it M.

Here's to hoping Blondbud chokes on some food next time I come over.

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge,
burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him
on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
'That's a karate chop from Korea. Well, the
little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his
beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the
bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other
side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. That's a
judo chop from Japan', he says. The little Newfie decides
he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and
sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him
and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says
to the bartender, 'When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a
f---in' hockey stick from Canadian Tire'

do you know why there were never any jokes about Jonestown?

The punch line was too long.



I'm ready for the flaming after that one, I deserve it.