Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
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He died.

Bristol Palin's vagina is lightly used.

Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought "that's a little condescending".

I thought his escape would make him Happy. Turns out, he was Grumpy.

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

our next president

Hello, is this Dr. Todd ?

Yes, this is Dr. Todd.

Dr. Todd, this is Howard Johnson.

Hard Johnson ?

No Dr. Todd it's Howard Johnson. I am calling to inquire about the test results for my wife after her last visit.

Oh yes Mr. Johnson. I have them right here in front of me. It looks like your wife is either suffering from Aids or Alzheimers.

Oh my god Dr. Todd. That is terrible news. What should we do and how can we find out for sure ?

OK Mr Johnson, there is one simple way to find out. Take your wife out for a long drive. On the way back, drop her off a couple of miles from your house. If she finds here way home ... Don't fukk her.

Good one Hank!

This guy's wife goes into a coma and the doctor says to him, " I have a treatment in mind that's a little unconventional. You must go in there and have oral sex with her" . The guy says "Oh man ,doc are you sure??" The doctor says "Yes I have seen it work" and the guy says "Well ok I'll try it". 5 minutes later he comes out and says " Doc,she's chokin..."

This is especially fun to tell to small, impressionable children.


"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
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"He died."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

























































Fvck her.

These two older ladies (like Hank's age but not quite as old and decrepit) are on a bridge overlooking a river. One of them says " You know Barbara I have always wanted to pee off a bridge like a man." Her friend says " Do it,nobody's around ." So she drops her panties pulls up her skirt and says"Look Barb I'm going to piss in that canoe down there ." Her friend says " That's no canoe,it's your reflection."

Hank goes to the dr. He says "doc I'm so old and deaf I can't hear myself fart! " The doc says "take 2 of these every day for a month." Hank,Frank,whatever his fkn name is says "Will it make me hear better?" Doc says "No but it'll make you fart louder."

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 50 men here on the post & no women. And, Sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the sergeant, "So is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir....they usually just ride the camel into town where the women are."

One night two drunks (sol duc and spoonhead)were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So sol cuc says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

Spoonbread, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

Cuck says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

Gay assed Spoonshed says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and sol spunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price,spoonhead drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, spoonhead(get it,head?)says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

Sol Duck says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

I think the last smartest thing that came outta your mouth was a penis.
You know avid. You remind me of myself, back when I was young and stupid.



I got one for everybody...What is 6in long, 2in wide and makes every woman happy...... A 100$ Bill.

Is it Hump Day already?

Now you're just old and stupid?

No..older and wiser, grasshopper.

Avid is retarded and sucks cock?