Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................



1. Talk about skylera huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking mishap in the Bay Of
Fundy, a Nova Scotian man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Mounties.

"We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one
of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband pleaded.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some
good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie said, " We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow ! "

A WOMANS FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ASS to pay for it all.

How many animals can you find in a pair of pantie hose? ten piggies two calves an ass a pussy [cat] and a fish no one can find

Fister...













































































































(at, not with)

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits..

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini,
taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Three priests were going to take a flight to Pittsburg. Two of them were very young and one was older. When it was time to purchase tickets the only counter available had an attractive female attendant who happened to be topless.
The older priest instructed one of the younger ones to buy the tickets. He told the yooung one to buy three tickets to Pittsburg and ask for the change in nickels and dimes. When he approached the desk the first young one stammered, "can I buy two tickets to Tittsburg", he became embarressed and went back to the others without buying the tickets.
The next young priest said " let me buy the tickets", and off he went. When he got to the counter he said "I need three tickets to Pittsburg and I want my change in nipples and dimes". He was so shook up he couldn't finish the transaction.
The older priest went up to the counter to show the younger ones how it was done. When he ordered the tickets he said "I need to buy three tickets to Pittsburg and I want my change in nickels and dimes". He added "young lady dressing the way you are is wrong and when you get to the Pearley gates Saint Finger will be shaking his peter at you!"

RV

What's the difference between a golf ball and an escalade?

Tiger can drivea golf ball 300 yards...



The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.

She replied "I don't know 4 or 5 times, I think. Put me down for a bogey".



Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named "Elin Woods…clubs you can beat Tiger with...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin..
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly, can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that
Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than
before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole
in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully
pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in
their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

WAIT FOR IT....








































Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder
when you're away from home.

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes ... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies,
"you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they have sex.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing!!

First of the year and a good start....


Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and delicately sniffed the bird from head to
foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150
just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now
$150."

President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.
Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of sh!t it can no longer fly.

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have [censored] in it!"
The man shouts back:
"I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"
The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we can not increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change.......I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.


THE BOSS

What is the difference between a dead racoon in the road and a dead lawyer?




























There are skid marks in front of the racoon

........something tells me this girl might choose another seat color next time......maybe not...