A bear walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied, "No beer for bears in the bar!"

The bear was confused and he repeated his request.

The bartender replied, "No beer for bears in the bar!"

At this point the bear is pissed. The bear growls, "Look buddy, give me a beer or I am going to walk to the end of the bar and eat that lady over there".

The bartender, once again replies, "No beer for bears in the bar!"

So... The bear walks to the end of the bar and eats the lady.

The bear says, "Bartender, see what you made me do? Can I please have a beer now?"

The bartender replies, "No beer for bears on drugs in the bar!"

The bear is now thoroughly confused. "I am NOT on drugs!" the bear says.

The bartender replies, "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate"...

Called in Sick the other day.
Boss said "You don't sound very sick. How sick are you? "

"Well, I just got done BF'n my 10 year old cousin. Is that sick enough for you, ya SOB"

Went to the bank the other day and my Proctologist was in line in front of me. He was cashing a check so he reached into his pocket for his pen but pulled out a thermometer instead and exclaimed "GDIT some asshole's got my pen"

When we get older we think differently don't we.
This is a touching story. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness
someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwards the following
letter:

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a
luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a
door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten
lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio
touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.


Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your genes.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10..00

+Fried Explorer: $15..00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."

I posted that one last year. damn funny

Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

pretty good Aunty!

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'



'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A 65 year old man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained

consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge

pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be o.k., you'll walk again and

everything. However, your main "male part" was severed in the accident

and we couldn't find it".


The man groans.


The doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming

and we now have the technology to build a new "male part" for you. They

work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch".



The man perks up.


"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
I understand that you've been married for over forty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. Her koochie may not be able to handle the extra size, even though YOU would feel like a porn star carrying that big stick.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed BUT you’d pocket the extra $4 grand!!. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".


The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with

your wife"?


"Yes I have", says the man.


"And has she helped you make a decision"?


"Yes" says the man.


"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite counter-tops".

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff's Dept. was being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good,
but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be
accepted." Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the
man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a
rabbit."


"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.


"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

This is a safety message that you can ignore at your own peril!

I’m sending this so you are forewarned allowing you to take the proper preventive measures.


AN IMPORTANT SAFETY MESSAGE FOR OLDER MEN.


Most of my friends are over 40 and should be doing this every time they go to the beach!











The older you get, the more important it is to protect your nose from the sun.....

Hell... a little closer and he could protect his whole head!

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'


She calls on little Ralphy.



He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'




The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'




Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:




One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream..


The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.


Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'






LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)






Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic..


'Why?' asks the father?



'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.


'That's what I said!'





LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH






Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'




'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''




LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER






Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.


After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'


Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business..

Ralphy cracks me up.

So So True!

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

This needs to be moved, it's not a joke !

Maybe, but your response is funny enough to leave it here.