lmao...

Fishhunter, what could possibly be inappropriate after all that we've seen so far

A guy went to the docter. Doc asks him what's the problem is. Guy says "My pen!s is turning an orangey color." Doc asks him questions, runs some tests and can't find anything wrong with the guy so he asks him more personal questions like where he works, where he lives, if he's married and what he does for entertainment. Guy says "I'm a fishing guide, I live in Poulsbo, I'm not married and for entertainment, I watch porn and eat cheetoes.".

Two steelheaders from Forks are having a drink in a tavern. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating some french fries, begins to cough. It becomes apparent that she is starting to choke and is in distress.

One of the steelheaders looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman is turning blue and shakes her head no. The steelheader lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked, she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again and the steelheader proudly strides back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I aint never seed nobody do it."

I'd kill this [censored].

The boss had to lay off somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they
were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would
fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I
have to lay you or Jack off."

Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sheit."

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

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THEN, there is the MALE addendum...The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

What is the only thing better than winning the special olympics???

Not being a retard!

Science has proven that at some point in there life 95% of woman will contain intellegent DNA...............unfortunatly most of them will spit it back out!
Tim

Little kid asks mom one day, Mom, where do babies come from?
Mom says the stork brings babies.Little kid thinks for a minute, then asks If the stork brings the babies, then who f**Ks the stork?

Also, if the stork brings babies, what kind of bird performs abortions? A swallow!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her like an alter boy.

an old classic..................

So this lumber mill, in Oregon, is running three shifts a day in season and is having a hell of a time getting enough workers to fill all their positions (this was a long time ago). One day and old guy walks in, tap-tap-tapping along with a red tipped, white cane, and makes his way to the hiring boss.
Well, what the hell do you want! barks the boss. I come here to git a job, says the old guy....HAHAHAHAHA! roars the boss man, you gotta' be kidding me you old fart, why your'e as blind as a bat! what the hell do you think you could do here in the mill, anyway?
I can grade fresh lumber as it comes off the chain, replys the old guy. The boss man's eyes widen and then he sputters into a fit of belly laughs so hard he falls to the floor and rolls around bustin' a gut for five minutes or more.
He finally stands up, wiping tears from his eyes and says, GRADE LUMBER! you idiot! ya' caint even see, how the hell you gonna grade lumber?
Well, says the old man, I been doin' it now fer 30 years and ain't never seed' a board in my life, I jest smell 'em as they go by and yell to the sorter what kind of lumber it is so he can send it down the right chute.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! laughs the boss, I don't believe that fer a minute, but I'll tell you what, I'll give you a little test just to see, and if ya' can pass it....well I might hire ya!
Calling several of the crew together, he fills them in on the set up and they all agree to have a little fun at the old boy's expense.
The boss set's the old man up at a spot on the chain and calls for the first board....the old man bends over and sniffs when he hears the lumber on the rollers....snif, snif...thet's a Spruce he says. Well gol' dang!, yer' right says the boss, send the next one he yells.....the old guy sniffs again and says, thet one's a Cedar....CORRECT! again says the boss.
After several more try's with correct answers on each one, the boss decides to pull a dirty trick and get's Sally from the front office to come in, and after filling her in on the scam she agrees to take all her clothes off and lay on a table. (it's a joke son)
The boss brings the old timer over and say's....Here's yer final test mister, ya' guess this'n right and yer hired....but I know you won't be able to guess what kind of lumber we got a lay'n on this here table. With that he winks toward the other guys then say's, OK do yer' stuff ol' timer.
Snif, snif, snif.......snif, snif snif w-e-l-l, I caint be sure, HA! I knew it said the boss...no wait a minute says the old timer, turn thet board over and let me try again. Sally looks at the boss and he nods his head, so she turns over on her belly and again the old boy sniffs a few times then straightens up and says.....Ha, you boys thought ya' could fool me but thet thar's a sh!t house door off'n a fishin' boat!

Northwest Barbie Dolls:

>Tacoma Barbie:
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about.
>Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

>Seattle Barbie:
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often working late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

>Bellevue Barbie:
>This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey. Also ! available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.
>
>Everett Barbie:
>This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confed! er! ate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.
>
>Monroe Barbie:
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his episodes with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Fred Meyer.
>
>Sultan Barbie:
>Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Red Apple.
>
>Vashon Island Barbie! :>This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.
>
>Olympia Barbie:
>This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts, prerferably made of latex or diamond-plate. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.


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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his turban-wearing a$$ AWAY!!!."

Mingo: The Bellevue and Sultan barbies are right on! "pregnant at purchase".....priceless!

Customized for the Quimper Peninsula!


NEW BARBIES!



Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a
Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She
has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a
stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet
prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry
internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing,
golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all
Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.



Bainbridge Island Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at
Nordstrom, in Seattle. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade
handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired
foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter
development McMansion.
Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation.
Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.



Bremerton Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this teen Barbie comes with a
stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled
out food stamps form. Sailor Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.
Available at Value Village.



Port Townsend Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and
tofu.
She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no
make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need,
a Ken doll.
If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free
rainbow flag sticker. Available at Swains.



Port Hadlock Barbie: This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a glass
pipe, sunglasses, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth
labkit. This model is available only after dark and can only be
purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then
we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail.
Available at local area thrift stores.



Quilcene Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a
pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she
chased Beer Gut Ken out of Chimacum Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble
includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry
lip-gloss and a see-through halter-top. Purchase her Ford pick-up truck
with gun rack separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker
absolutely free.
Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Frank's Surplus.



Brinnon Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans
2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T'
shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake
fingernails, a six-pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set.
She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass
when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring
that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's
daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at
Wal-Mart, in Shelton.



Discovery Bay Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from
Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Does not work.
Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased
out and is only available from the manufacturer.