seahawks

Along those lines, Hank...

Bill Russell, of the Boston, Celtics, commented to a ref as passed "gee, I'm sorry" or "that's too bad". Did this all game. Late in the game, the ref asked hime why he was saying that. Bill's reply was "I'm sorry your folks never married".

Back when insults had class.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Lost In Translation

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
Trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
Teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I
Only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, buxom, Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*******************

Paddy O'leary goes to confession and tells the priest
"I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month".


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'


'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

I bought the wife a Toshiba laptop for Christmas
It connects via our home wireless network
She asked if it would work in the car
I said no, you won't be able to connect to the internet in the car
She said, what do you mean ?
It says Satellite on it !

True story.....

Incredible Dear Abby Letter, From Hyattsville, MD
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Hyattsville, MD, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Washington and one of my sisters, who lives in Rockville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Bladensburg.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole
life sentence in Jessup for the murder of a teenage boy
in 1994.The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Alexandria and is still a part time
"working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main
problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to
bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Duke fan???

Signed, "Marcus"
Worried About My Reputation

Little Johny
Teacher: Pepito can you tell me the name of 3 great Kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?...

Pepito answered: Drin-king, smo-king and fuc-king.

The Recession hits everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

The ignorant Redneck went to the hospital
As his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving,
Nurse Natalia says
"Congratulations,
Your wife has had quints,
5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says,
"I'm not surprised,
I have a penis on me like a GOTdamn brick chimney."
Nurse Natalia replies,
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned,
The babies are all black."

The Power Of Beer

Talking Deer
This one still cracks me up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogajhsjXWjM

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.....


An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to
her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do
you think I should do?"

He Scribbles back, " You need to put a new battery in your hearing aid."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, " Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep......and the other time..... I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A golfer is doing very poorly on the links and in frustration says to his caddy, "you must be the worst caddy in all of Scotland!". the caddy replies, "ach, man, that would be too much of a coincidence".

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United
States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie
down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon
.... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens
up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe
with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe... Ees not a bacon tree."

Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."