On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,'
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down
toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his
bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin'
me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll
be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full
5 minutes ahead of the Kid on the bike.

Kids aren't playing "Doctor" anymore...
Now they play TSA agent...

The Minnesota Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading into Minneapolis. For the first offense, they give you 2 Vikings tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A. The Minnesota Vikings


Q. What do the Vikings and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".


Q. How do you keep a Minnesota Viking out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal post.



Q. What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?

A. An Imposter.



Q. What's the difference between the Minnesota Viking and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.


Q. How many Minnesota Vikings does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A. Nobody Knows


Q. What do the Vikings and a possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Blondes Are The Best!!!

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied...... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'why don't you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here..'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Subject: Tricks I like with words (and ideologies)



Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

And that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the first letter and move it to the last, spells its own past tense, "ate"?

And if you rearrange the letters in "Tea Party Republicans," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Shut the [censored] up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent hypocrites, and deal with the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush and that our president is black, so get over it."

Isn't that interesting?

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the
counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in
it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the
money in the jar?"

"Well...,
you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10
which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds
or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad
tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never
had sex. You have to take care of that problem."


The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and
he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull
chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud
growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he
staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds
and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with
the bad tooth?"

Damn this sounds like my life..

HELL EXPLAINED
(BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT)
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when It expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, Which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, It will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Saw the Doctor today-
She said "How do you feel"
"Good" I said
Hmmm, you don't look so good. Looks bad, feels good. Let me look that up...Looks bad, feels bad, no thats not it...looks good ,feels good no no. Oh hear it is, Looks Bad, feels good ....



OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A VAGINA!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

A Love Story for Golfers:

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes,
I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but
always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I
never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and
we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the
mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker
and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you
for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we
didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well,
I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the
surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so
of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third
time.".

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for
president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

It's Been A Tough Year!


It was a tough year, but I made it !!!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the '1/4 - ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

I wonder if this was the right thing to say? Oh well!



MY WIFE ASKED ME.....



"How many women I had ever slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."



Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name

for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better

even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car

and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail

before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can

under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first.

But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk,

where I find the can of Pepsi

I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm.

I decide to put it in the refrigerator

to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye.

They need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back

on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water

and suddenly spot the TV remote;
someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight

when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember

that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den

where it belongs.

But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers.
Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check

in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what

I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out

why nothing got done,
I'm really baffled because I know

I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Why don't Pollacks kill frogs?

Frogs are their national bird.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g45KtHN37bo


Maybe just alittle overconfident?

A chinese dude walks into the eye doctor and the doctor says, "Well, looks like you got a cataract."


The chinese guy replies, "No I don't. I drive a Rinckin Continenter."