RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE


One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the
store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six
old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the
Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying
naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'

Fishing had been really poor for a couple of weeks at the lake, except for one old timer that came in with limits everyday. People got suspicious and called the game warden to say they thought the old timer had to be doing something illegal. The game warden showed up at the boat ramp the next day and waited for the old timer to show up.

When the crusty old fart showed up the warden asked "mind if I ride along in your boat today?" The old man shrugged his shoulders and said "help yourself, but don't get in my way."

They headed across the lake into a quiet, secluded cove. The old timer opened his tackle box, pulled out a stick of TNT, lit it, then dropped it over the side. The concussion rocked the boat, then several fish boiled to the surface. They warden screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT - IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL AND DANGEROUS!"

The old fart pulled out another stick and lit it, then tossed it in the wardens lap and said, "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY is now in the planning stages. The Library will include:


The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has yet been able to find.


The Hurricane Katrina Room , which is still under construction.


The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.



The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.



The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.



The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.



The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.



The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.



The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.



The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.



The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty, but very warm.



The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.



Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

Admission: Republicans - free; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros

'I'm Broke'

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away,' said the little old lady. 'I haven't got any money.' 'I'm broke!' She proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Dont be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. & ;nbs p; 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well, I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'

What part of broke do you not understand?

There is a fly. He is going across the river and isnt going to make it. He starts going down much to the shagrin of a trout. He knows that flyis going down and when he does is going to jump up and eat him. On the bank, there is a bear and he sees everything happening. Figures when the trout jumps he will reach out and grab it. On a hillside behind the bear is a hunter. Through his high power scope he sees everything going down. Figures when the bear reaches out for the trout he will have a perfect shot. Behind the hunter is a cougar. The cougar is eye balling a mouse that is eye balling a cheese sandwich in the hunters pocket. The cougar is a keen eyed, witty and cunning creature as was all know and so ofcourse he sees everything about to happen. He knows that when the fly falls the trout will jump up, the bear will reach out, the hunter will shoot the bear, the cheese sandwich will fall out of the hunters pocket, the mouse will grab it and drag it, the cougar is going to jump for the mouse and snag it. So it happens, the fly falls, the trout jumps, the bear reaches out, the hunter shoots, the cheese sandwich falls, the mouse grabs it, and the cougar jumps for the mouse, but the witty, cunning little creature missed and rolled all the way down the hill into the river and got all the wet. So what is the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

Tasteless and way too long I know. But whatever.

My pal Paul and I stopped at a bar after work Friday and got a little carried away with the cognac and Paul vomited on his work shirt.

Of course he started whining about how his girl was going to be very disappointed with his drunkardness when he got home. So I gave him some advice. Advice any sober person could have pulled-off.

I took the ten dollar bill he had laying on the bar and put it in his shirt pocket. I told him "When you get home and she starts nagging, just tell her an old wino puked on you, and gave you ten bucks for the cleaning bill.

Paul guzzled a few cups of coffee and hit the road for home.

Upon arriving, his gal immediately started to point out the obvious.

"Look at you...drunk, you stink and you threw-up on yourself. How disgusting!"

Paul said "No honey, really... a drunk guy bumped into me on the way home and vomited all over my shirt. He even gave me five dollars for the cleaning bill, its in my shirt pocket"

Pauls angry woman took the money from his pocket and said "You said he gave you five dollars but theres a ten dollar bill here"

Paul paused, looked his woman in one eye and said, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too"

Did you hear about the house the lesbians are building in Caledonia?


There is not a stud in the place, It's all tongue n groove.

NOAH IN 2008


In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. &nb sp;I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild a nimals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

Can also be used as a pickup line...

Do you like to BBQ?

I could put some meat on your grill!

The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to t he bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad ne ws is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. "



How soon can I go home?'

------ WORLD WAR III IS COMING ------

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a [censored] about the 140 million Muslims."

Hey beautiful, I'm hung like a baby.

7lbs. 6oz.

I bought a new truck yesterday and had to return to the dealer today because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, ' Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck , but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Holes!' Immediately God Save the Queen began to play, sung by Ronald Reagan and Charleton Heston, backed up by Arnold Schwarzenegger and George W Bush, with Tom DeLay on guitar, John McCain on drums, Laura Ingraham on harmonica, Ann Coulter on tambourine, Antonin Scalia on spoons, Clarence Thomas on sax and Richard Nixon on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this TRUCK!!

Good book report





Students were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' &
'My Life' by Bill

Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following
book report,

With the proposition that they were nearly identical
stories! His cool

professor gave him an A+ for this report:







Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99





Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read





Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their
forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and

subsequent catastrophe.





Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a [censored] artist.





Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.





Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.





Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.





Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.>





Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her
life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.





Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there,
either.





Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the
same thing.

What is that useless bit of flesh around a Vagina called?



A Woman!





How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!



What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.



What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman



How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.



Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a

waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.



How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.



What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long



How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to...

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote his son a letter and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses..... The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today.'

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were McCain fans.
Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...
again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a McCain fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a McCain fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."
The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat
Little Johnny answere d, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my dad's a
Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "Well, if your mom was a
moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a McCain fan."

Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...