:groan: gawd, that was awful.....
could see it coming a mile down the road.

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over tothe counter.  The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark
shades.

She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.  At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

BIKER JOKE

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker : "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Biker : "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker : "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker : "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good,'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Biker : "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker : "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

You Know You're Getting Old When...















Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.





Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.





Your back goes out more than you do.





The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.





You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.





You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.





Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.





You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.





You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.





It takes twice as long to look half as good.





Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.





People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"





You can live without sex but not without glasses.





The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.





You look forward to a dull evening.





Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.





The pharmacist has become your new best friend.





There's nothing left to learn the hard way.





You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.





You start video taping daytime game shows.





You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.





Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.





You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time.





You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.





Happy hour is a nap.





You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."





You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.





You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.





You sing along with the elevator music.





You are proud of your lawn mower.





You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.





Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.





The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.





Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.





Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.





Your ears are hairier than your head.





You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.





It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.





You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.





The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.





You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.





Your childhood toys are now in a museum.





You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.





You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.





You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.





You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.





You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.





You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!





Your new easy chair has more options than your car.





Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.





Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.





You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.





You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.





You get into a heated argument about pension plans.





"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.





Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."





You buy a compass for the dash of your car.





You take a metal detector to the beach.





The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.





You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.





You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.





You don't remember being absentminded.





You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.





Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.





Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.





You tip more and carry less.





You read more and remember less.





You get propositioned by AARP.





Younger women start opening doors for you.





You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.





The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.





You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.





You are no longer 'promising'.





Younger men ask you for advice.





You work on your short game.





Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.





Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.





You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.





Your medical expenses go up 50%.





A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.





You learn where your prostrate is.





You develop a knack for wearing hats.

Commercials.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dwR-F79MjU&feature=related

Ah, the joke thread . . . this reminds me that while we were in Belize, when people learned we had been fishing they couldn't wait to ask us if we had heard about the one-armed fisherman down in Placencia. It seems he caught a fish . . . this long. haha

Puns

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. However, he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop
quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro is a rip off !

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

The Colonoscopy

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy
in Rochester, MN. I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting
friends in San Francisco, where the California nurses are allegedly much
more gentle and accommodating...not to mention attractive.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, a very gorgeous nurse came in and
began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection,"
the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

If I had coffee in my mouth when I read that, well, I'm glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth.

Couple Sex

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

I have a freind who has gavity, the propensity to attract gay men. He had a physical at 19 for a new job and was telling us about how the doctor started to lisp when he gave him his prostate exam. "Juth relaxth....." I don't think it helped much when we took a vote and no one else under 40 had every had a prostate exam.

Penn State: the only University where you can major in minors!


Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him & asks, "so which child is yours?"

Sandusky replies: "I don't care, surprise me."


You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.


On a scale of 1-10, how old is Jerry Sandusky's boyfriend?

Q: What was Jerry Sandusky's defensive philosophy at Penn State?

A: Get penetration and always cover the Tight End.



Q: If an older woman chasing a younger guy is called a cougar, what do you call an older guy chasing a young boy?

A A Nittany Lion…



What do Jerry Sandusky and Carnation Evaporated Milk have in common? A: They're both white and come in little cans...



Did you know that B.Y.U. was Jerry's first choice before Penn State. He thought it was "Bring 'em Young".



I hear Sandusky had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.



Sandusky claims he's really young at heart. He says sometimes he feels like a 60 yr old stuck in a 10 yr old's body.


BREAKING NEWS:

Jerry Sandusky has attempted suicide by jumping into the sea...

The Coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy!


And saving the best for last:
Sandusky is set to remake two Schwarzenegger films into one...

It's going to be called Kindergarten Predator.

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest
shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone
else does."

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah!
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are:


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR AN EXTREMELY HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend after they had just finished having great sex. For the next hour she continuously rubbed his testicles, something she said that she'd always enjoyed doing.

As he lay there enjoying the feeling of her touch, he turned to her and asked, "why do you enjoy doing that so much?".

She replied, "Because I really miss mine".

How much does it cost Hank?

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . .. . still happy . . . with Obama?"