Should have waited till later this eve to read this thread...too freaking funny for this early in the day!!

Mike

The first time



First time sex! It's not dirty!
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 15 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money."

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I bought it with the insurance money."

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on N.E. 8th in Bellevue. She was coming from her hair appointment and was late for her jazzercise class and after-class rendesvouz with the instructor.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Guess Which Girl Is From UTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR MY FRIENDS OVER 50 ( & those getting close.)

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D .

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder


This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my lawn.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there
is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but
first I'm going to water the flo wers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I
will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit
of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the lawn isn't watered,
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
I don't remember what I did with the car keys,
and my neighbor called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Laugh hard 'cuz if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

Notice the big print!!!

Those Born 1930-1979



READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE-----VERY WELL STATED.



TO ALL THE KIDS
WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.



As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives

for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.





Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is

http://www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company,

http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,

http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is

http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,

http://www.speedofart.com

These are not made up, check them out.

Screw Ma Lil' lived way out west
Of all the sports she like Fu$kin best
She searched and searched for miles around
but could not find two cocks that could fu$k her down

Then one day from over the hill came Piss Pot Pete
With fifty pounds of swingin' meat
It was as long as my arm and as thick as my wrist
and had a nob on the end as big as my fist

The sight they chose for the kill
was behind the sh!t house and over the hill
Lil used a fence post and a dab of lard
Pete killed a mule just a getting it hard

They fu$cked for weeks, months, and hours
They tore up trees, roots, and flowers
And then when Lil breathed her last dying cough
There sat Ol' Pete just a jacking off

A Rabi and Priest see a 12 year old boy walk by. The Priest says to the Rabi " lets screw him" and Rabi replies " out of what?"

In light of he fact that I have to use SOMEONES name in this little ditty, I use the name of everybodys favorite curmudgeon on this site..SOL!!! .... (ahem)...

Big Ol' Sol was a son of a bitch
He wrecked his car in a whorehouse ditch
He saw one hundred of 'em
Lined up against the wall,
And bet fifty bucks he could screw 'em all
He screwed ninety-six, and could'nt do more,
So he backed off, jacked off,
Then screwed the other four...
Big Ol Sol, he went to hell,
Screwed the Devil, and screwed him well,
One hundred little devils,
Runnin' 'round the halls,
Yellin' GET RID OF BIG OL' SOL,
BEFOR HE SCREWS US ALL!!!!


No offense intended, Sol, but sometimes ya gotta take one for the team!!

this one from a stud who caught the biggest fish ever landed on a fly (no joke, I've met this guy, it's for real!), a 600 lb mako shark.....here's to ya Alpine!

I guess Hillary's cankles and saggy mudflaps aren't enough to fill Bill's paws and keep his mitts occupied?????

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court last Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use, and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court next Monday."
Monday, the two guys were back in court. The judge asked the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." The judge was quite impressed and said, "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

The first guy said, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

"And told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," replied the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" the judge asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" The second guy answered, "I used a similar approach." (He draws two circles)

o O

The second guy continued, "Well, I said, (pointing to the small circle) this is your ass BEFORE prison...................."

tar and nicotine apparently don't worry her at all............