The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.....with his junk flopping around for all to see.

His buxom sexy assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

The 60 year old boss always fancied himself quite the stud.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you happen to glance at my big awesome Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was a crusty, beat-up old mini van with two flat tires..

Anyone know how to catcdh a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, then line it with peas. When the polar bear stops to take a pea you kick him in the ice-hole.

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " New Brunswick."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all....

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around
the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late
at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts
all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a Rabbit in Arizona .

What's good on pizza but not on pussy?

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........ Crust!!

The Baptist Preacher & Cowboy...

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a triple whiskey,
which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher pursed his judgmental lips up like he was sucking on a lemon and replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let DEMON ALCOHOL touch my lips!!!"

The cowboy picked up his three little bottles of whisky and handed them all back to the attendant, saying "Me too ma'am, DAMMIT! I didn't know we had a choice!!!!"

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.


She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.


I asked her, “Does your father feed you like that when you eat at home?”


“No,” she replied. “but my father’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”


I said "Enjoy...."

A guy gets in a bad car wreck and wakes up in hell. He is scared but the devil assures him its not so bad down here. Devil says, you like to drink? Guy says ya. Devil says great all mondays we drink all day. Devil says you like to do drugs, guy responds ya. Devil says great we do drugs all day on tuesdays. Devil asks you like to gamble? Guy says hell ya. Devil says we gamble all day on wednesdays. Devil says are you a homosexual, guy says hell no. Devil says well you are not gonna like thursdays then.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant

There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Free Kittens!!!!!


A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing:
FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning woman.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Sarah Palin, What do you have in the basket?" she asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Palin.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.

Palin was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, they agreed that Palin should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN & FOX.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Palin got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes ma'am," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."

Taken by surprise, Palin stammered, "But -- but yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

WALMART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people
who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask
them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get
the job.

The day came and as the four sat
around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing
you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating
his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already sh!t my pants!!!!!.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You will probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.

Heard earlier today, a lawyer joke.

A lawyer and The Pope died the same day and St. Peter saw them both in to Heaven.

The Pope was given a a small but very nice room, while the lawyer was given a luxurious suite, with servants.

The lawyer noticed this and asked, "Why do I get this great suite while The Pope gets a a small room?

St. Pete said, "We have lots of Popes but you are the first lawyer we've had!"



FWIW, I don't usually tell lawyer jokes but this was funny.
Sorry, Todd.

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase....The first is that I iron better than you.'


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'


Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'


Wife: 'Oh.'




Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'


Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'


Maria: 'Jor husband did.'


Wife: 'Oh.'




Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'


Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'


Maria: 'No Señora... The gardener did.'




Wife: 'So how much do you want?

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.


When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few short years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later,

she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.