couple of favs

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think tho, you thee, my python weally doethn't give a thit."

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came to the senior center from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Amazing Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every valued, Senior-citizen, AARP -card-carrying member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch that's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.

"Snap!" said Claude. Two hundred pairs of gnarled old fingers snapped in unison.

"Giggle!" said Claude. Two hundred old mouths cackled like schoolkids in unison.

"Touch Your Nose!" said Claude. Two hundred index fingers touched two hundred old noses in unison.

Suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH!T!" yelled the Amazing Claude.

It took three weeks to clean up that senior center.

]

Little Johnny is sitting in his 3rd grade classroom and his hot female teacher is asking math questions. She asks him, "if there are three crows sitting on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" Little Johnny answers, "none, because when you shoot one, the other two fly away."

The teacher replies, "no, the answer is two, but I like the way you think".

Little Johnny then says, "I've got a question for you teacher........there are three women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones, one is biting hers, one is licking hers, and the other one is sucking hers............which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and answers, "the one sucking hers".

Little Johnny says, "no, the correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring,............ but I like the way you think."

I think the real joke lies on that gas station sign

Boy those days were nice

Dear Abby,
I am a young man who recently became involved with a very beautiful young lady. I want to get intimate with her and start a physical relationship, however, she has told me she has an illness, but I can't remember if she said it was Emphysema or gonnorea... What should I do? Confused..
Dear confused, If she coughs, f**k her!!!!

A cowboy goes into a tattoo parlor, tells the artist he wants a tattoo of John Wayne on one upper thigh, and Hopalong Cassidy on the other thigh. Not only that he wants a money back guarantee that the finished product will look like the real cowboys. Artist says, when I'm finished, you can ask anyone you see who the tattoos are. If they say anyone but John Wayne and Hopalong Cassidy, you can have your money back. The cowboy agrees, and the artist performs his work. The cowboy then proceeds oputside, where he spies a wino laying along the ditch. He walks up to the wino, drops his pants and says "do you know who these guys are?" pointing at his new tattoos. The wino looks up, thinks for a minute and says "Yea, I know who those guys are.. The one on the right is John Wayne, the one on the left is Hopalong Cassidy, and that ugly one in the middle is Willie Nelson!!

Post deleted by Mingo

My favorite seal joke.

A baby seal walks into a club.

Mf

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in
first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and
wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she
just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his
wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go
nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes
his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has
finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've
removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What
the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies,
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What
are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says,
"Pepper."

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith,
would you please name the organ of the human body, which
under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its
normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked
the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,
"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have
three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your
lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the
woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me
another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea....let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a
manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians
have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff
proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him
how wrong he is."

Not going to lie. It's tempting...But all of the ones I remembered are innapropriate....