"Don't miss the Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under the Big Top, in
the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to
it was an old Italian man. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants,
whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three
mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian
was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't miss the
Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much
less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time,
however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The very old Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped
his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch
from walnuts to coconuts?"

Well," said the Italian, "my eyes aren't what they used to be."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling when suddenly Tonto stopped Scout and put his ear to the ground.

After a moment he said "buffalo come". This amazed the Lone Ranger who replied "how do you know that, Tonto?"

"Ground sticky"

The fourth grade teacher asked for someone to use fascinate in a sentence.
Little Mary tried but used fascinating so the teacher went one. Little Joanie tried but used the word fascinated. So, finally the reluctant teacher called on little Billy, the class clown.

"My aunt got a new sweater that has ten buttons. But, her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

These are a few Steven Wright-isms I needed to share with you kind people just to start the Year off correctly!!
This is the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement.
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, . . . but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't!

A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra but his request was denied.

"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.

"It's not safe," the doctor replied.

"But I need it really bad," the man explained.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented.

"But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up."

Even more Steven Wright:

I was sitting on the bus when on walked this beautiful, blonde, chinese girl. She sat next to me and said "My therapist says I'm a nymphomaniac that's only turned on by jewish cowboys."

I said "Hi, my name's Bucky Goldstein."

THE BEST DAMN "LITTLE JOHNNY" JOKE EVER!

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent's room
to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a
little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished,
Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find
Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny
replied, 'It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it.

Know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Janest Reno is her dad.

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then le! ave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...! "

Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."

Dear Tech Support:


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing!!, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you [censored] kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull [censored]. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Happy St paddies day


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Oh, me boyos, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be then?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp.
”What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
”Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
”That little O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
”That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
”Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”
That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’
‘Just water,’ says the priest.
The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’
The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk, “for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’
‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
”Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
”Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
”That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.”
”Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
”I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
”It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.”
”Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?”
”Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.
He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?’

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, for the love of god, put down that damn gun…’ “

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
The man said, ‘I do, Father.’
The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’
Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’
The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’
O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied,"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPH Y returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class . Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY........

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time? "Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

A man that was not so virtuous dies and finds himself at the gates of Hell. He’s terrified as Satan opens the gates. But Satan is really friendly and tells the guy “don’t worry, we’re all about indulgence here, you’re gonna love this place.” As the man walks through the gates he sees an endless line of doors before him, and in the distance a gray haze. He asks Satan what’s going on and Satan says “let’s see what’s behind door number one.” Inside it is summer vacation land. People are swimming, boating, etc. The guy says “wow, this is great.” Satan says, “We’re all about fun and indulgence here, you haven’t seen anything yet. Let’s check door number two.

As they walk to the next door, the guy notices the haze in the distance is smoke rising from the ground and he asks Satan what it is. Satan says, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing. Look at this place!” Inside, it is winter wonder land. The man sees Sol and Addicted snowboarding down one of the slopes, the lodge is full of snow bunnies, and the powder is perfect. The man exclaims “This is awesome Satan!” Satan says, “We’re all about fun and indulgence here. Let’s check door number three.”

As they walk to door number three they get closer to the smoke and now the guy sees flames coming out of the ground also, as well as hearing noises. “What is going on down there Satan?” “It’s nothing, really” Says Satan. “Check this out.” Inside is Vegas land with gambling, booze, showgirls, etc. The man really likes this too, but Satan says they have a lot of doors to check, lots to indulge in, so they set out for door number four.

As they walk the guy hears screaming and wailing coming from what now is obviously a large pit in the distance, with the flames and smoke. He bolts from Satan and runs to the edge of the pit. Horrified, he looks down and sees people being burned and tortured by demons, animals ripping people apart, others are being impaled with spears, and he falls to his knees and cries out “oh God, please save me!” Just then, Satan catches up to him and puts his arm around the man’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, this isn’t for you – the Catholics insisted on it.”

This photo was taken by an FAA Agent operating under deep cover at the Boeing Renton factory. Due to upcoming IAM Union negotiations, FAA fears are being realized.


It has become apparent there is some serious sabotage going on that has resulted in strategic placement of tiny window cracks in aircraft in the final assembly stage. This photo has sparked a huge investigation.



These cracks can expand and blow apart under pressure like that experienced at 30,000 feet.




If you fly on a regular basis, this photo will give you chills. Be warned, it will be hard to shake..........................

Bat Cave.

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one line memo:




























"Defrost the chicken"

I just found out the word "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word it means...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..

..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
BAD HUNTER