Last night I stopped to help a pretty woman change her flat tire. I asked her if she has a spare. To which she repiled " yes, its in the trunk". As I was getting the tire from the trunk, I told her " I have never helped a pregnant woman change a flat tire"
She gave me a puzzled look and said," I'm not pregnant"
to which I repied, " I'm not done changing your tire"

Grandma's Boyfriend...

You have to be very careful how you explain things to kids. . .

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good, and the comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy
with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back side, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.



Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. A fter several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called . 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down, we all know he will pay
dearly for ever saying these things but it was a sacrifice to do so. may he rest in peace!!!!!

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear " the Rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but i t is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Who the hell is Margaret ? !?!?

Oh, now I get it, Gladys likes hats .. . . .

Subject: Ed Zachary disease........

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, "OK take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God Dr.Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

you'll remember this story:


A little old lady, well into her eighties,

slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet,

she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she asks the sales clerk:

'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,

replies: 'Yes we do have dildos.

Actually we carry many different models.'

The old woman then asks:



'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne,

tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbou t twoo inchess ththiick...

aaand rruns by bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'

She asks:



' Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of
economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years
of
age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE
(Retire
Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for
the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have
been
RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme
Covering
Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and
SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early
Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much [censored]
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided
itself on the amount of [censored] it gives employees. Should you feel that
you do
not receive enough [censored], please bring to the attention of your
Supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the [censored] you can handle.

Sincerely, Management

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?


" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.


What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."


"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.


And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted..

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a

$5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector

light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse

you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year

tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !!

And one for all you musicians out there:

What's the difference between a guitarist and an extra large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. Oneis from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesotacontractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about$900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to theWhite House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the otherguys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractorwhispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy fromTennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

hahahaha. these are great jokes. I like the one with the pictures and the lawyer. they make me wish i was funny. keep them coming.

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

He's the one who will figure out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

thats good!!!!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball.’

Man: ‘That’s nice’

Boy: ‘Want to buy it?’

Man: ‘No, thanks.’

Boy: ‘My Dad’s outside.’

Man: ‘OK, how much?’

Boy: ‘$250′

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‘Dark in here.’

Man: ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy: ‘I have a baseball glove.’

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’

Boy: ‘$750′

Man: ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, ‘Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.’

The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.’

The Dad asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’

Boy: ‘$1,000′

The Dad says, ‘That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.’

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that [censored] again; you’re in my closet now.’

This is hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEe8Vno9RUk&feature=email

Subject: Letter Home from Scout Camp


Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie