One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.
What are you doing?

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry , officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,'
says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying .

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I’m Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party."

Topical humor


"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses." --David Letterman

"The third presidential debate took place in our neck of the woods, out on Long Island. ... I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question, no question who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer." --David Letterman

"But here, I mean, they're going right down to the wire here. You've got Barack Obama and you've got John McCain. And oh, my God, what a soap opera, what a soap opera this has become. I mean, it's the 'Old and the Restless.'" --David Letterman

"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman

"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman

"I don't want to say John McCain is old, but he's the only guy who fantasizes about Cloris Leachman on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she? And she was at the debate, and she was blinking McCain's answers in code." --David Letterman

"You know, that's what people are saying, they're saying that Sarah Palin is transmitting, every time she blinks, it's some sort of coded message that she's transferring over the television to the public. I remember the same thing, Hillary Clinton, same thing. Do you remember that? She used to actually -- this is true -- she used to send coded messages by opening and closing her pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman

Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. And this is interesting, Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, 'Get him!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out." --Conan O'Brien

"Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first, he wasn't sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton said on Fox News there's no chance of her running for president again -- this year." --Jay Leno

"You know, an article in the Washington Post today said that some medical experts believe Joe Biden may have had Botox. In fact, you know how they could tell? His expression didn't change when they asked him about his hair plugs." --Jay Leno

"Oh, he's not the only one, yeah. Now they're accusing John McCain of being pumped full of formaldehyde." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough. You gotta get that last one." --Jay Leno

"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno

"Hey, look, I don't want to say the stock market is unstable, but this morning, the opening bell was rung by Paula Abdul." --Jay Leno

"And they gave out the Nobel Prize for economics this week. Interesting. It went to a highly intelligent economist. His theory is a little hard, I think, for the average person to comprehend. I'm going to break it down. This is his theory. He determined that it was bad business to give loans to people who can't pay them back! Apparently, we don't understand that in this country." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno

"Actually, doctors shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm after it lost rhythm. Losing rhythm. See, that's when you know you're really, really a white guy. When you lose so much rhythm, you need hospitalization." --Jay Leno

"This is not your typical debate. Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote it. They paid for everything, which is a little bit odd, because Cindy McCain, as you may know, owns an Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona, and also because it's just weird to have alcohol play such a major role in a presidential debate. I don't know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain is not spending nearly enough time working the 'my wife can get us free beer' angle." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, this is kind of a cute thing. Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn't need them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"All the cable news channels were buzzing about what we could expect to happen at the debate. This morning on CNN, Kyra Phillips was introducing her expert analysts, and well, see if you catch the very subtle Freudian slip [on screen: Phillips introduces Republican strategist Leslie Sanchez as a CNN contributor, but it sounds like she says the word c**t twice before spitting out 'contributor']. It's cable, you can say whatever you want." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is an interesting. Scholastic, the company [that] used to sell books when we were in school. They polled 250,000 American school kids and that they asked who they liked for president. Overwhelmingly, they picked Barack Obama over John McCain. And not only did McCain finish behind Obama, he also finished well behind Batman, the Wiggles and Dora the Explorer. So, you know, a poll like this may seem to be trivial, but believe it or not, this is true, it has correctly predicted who is the president will be every election year since 1960." --Jimmy Kimmel

"As we speak, Barack Obama and John McCain have just finished their third and final debate. Now, in the latest New York Times poll, McCain trails by 14 points. So it is clear what this debate needed to be for him [on screen: people saying McCain needs a game-changer in the final debate]. Hopefully he can change that game to golf. That way the lowest score wins." -Stephen Colbert

"But I personally [am] not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames." --Stephen Colbert

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?






Only SOME of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

All I can say is Wow!

That's bad.

Irie, don't know what you were drinking when you posted that (maybe some of TODDBAMA & KKIDEN'S Kool aid).. but you may want to be careful throwing that "R"
word around. Thought you lefties were first and foremost, "Politically Correct"???

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


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Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


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EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

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Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


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If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I was listing to bad joke friday and heard this one. It;'s pretty bad...

So, the other day I was driving down the road when I saw an older indian woman walking in a heavy rain storm. I pulled over and let her in. As we started down the road, I asked where I could take her. She smiled, patted my leg and said, " You're passionate honey". I was taken back a little and didn't know how to respond so I asked agian. Again she answered, "you're passionate honey." I must have had a puzzled look, because she said a little louder, " the liquior store honey, you're passionate."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.



Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."



"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.



The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.



What's it tell you, Tonto?"



"You dumb sh!t,...someone steal tent!"

There’s an old Marine Corps tale about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines in the field, and afterward told the ‘Gunny’ that the men smelled bad. The lieutenant’s suggested solution was for the men to change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, ‘Yes sir, I’ll see to it immediately!’

The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, ‘The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!’

THE MORAL: A candidate may promise ‘change’ in Washington , but don’t count on things smelling any better.

One day, back in the time of sailing ships, the lookout of a British patrol ship shouted down to the captain "two pirate ships to starboard!"

The captain said to his first mate "go to my cabin and get my red shirt." The first mate comes back and helps the captain change shirts. The captain commands them through battle with the pirates successfully. Back at port, one of the crew asks the captain why he put on a red shirt. "The odds were against us two to one, and if were wounded in battle, I did not want you to see the blood stain on my shirt so that you would not lose hope and fight on to victory." The crew were impressed.

The next day on patrol, the lookout shouted down to the captain "ten pirate ships to port!!!"

The captain looked to his first mate and said "go get my brown pants."

Awesome!!!!!!!

A woman from Aberdeen goes to her doctor and say's "Doc, my big toe hurts".
Doc says, "your pants are too tight".

DOH!

She destroyed my fishing pleasure

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout
the day

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

A Cowboy in Montana

A Montana cowboy was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government”, says the cowboy.

“Wow! That's correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now get my dog out of your trunk.”


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Don't play this in front of your kids...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S5ot-qWxSw

that is trash fish4 brains