Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry
at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were
you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap
his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a
local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at
the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says,
"Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." The guy says, "Really?What's going to
happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with
big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says,
"See, I told you, no one gives a [censored] about the 140 million Muslims".

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of
the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'


The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one

The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'


The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer , then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

What is the difference between Canadians and yogurt?

Yogurt has culture.

Ghetto Math test

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of
every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the
20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and
$100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many
more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money
will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3
eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the
Boa on one week's
income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece,
how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Curley the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.

The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”

The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

MY NEXT LIFE By George Carlin



I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day you work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready; for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
$50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, '6.'

The judge said, 'Then I will give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

LMAO, thanks!

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Best explanation to share with your congressman, who clearly does not
understand this complex principle.


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce
the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just
$80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But
what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide
the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would
each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested
that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same
amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20 declared the sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar,
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the
tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers
without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered
something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them
for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is
how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for
being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they
might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer....."

There are two statues, one nude male and one nude female, facing each other across a path in Central Park. They've been facing each other for about a hundred years when one day the statue fairy descends from the heavens and grants them life for one hour. He looks at her and says "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She gets very excited and says "You bet, I can't wait!" So they hop down off their pedestals and the next thing you know there are twigs, leaves, dirt, and feathers flying everywhere. The statue fairy returns after a while to tell them they have five minutes in human form. Out of breath, he says to her "do you want to do it again?" She says "yeah, but this time, you hold the pigeons down and I'll sh1t on them!"

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have 'Schiffer Brains.'

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

DILBERT'S Rules of Order...

1 - I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.


2 - I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


3 - Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


4 - Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


5 - Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.


6 - I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


7 - Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?


8 - My reality check bounced.


9 - On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


10 - I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


11 - You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


12 - Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.


13 - Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


14 - Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.


15 - A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.


16 - Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


17 - After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


18 - The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.


19 - You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.


20 - Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


21 - People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


22 - If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


23 - When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


24 - Following the rules will not get the job done.


25 - When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the
world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I
was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral.

Three men show up at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter greets them and informs them that there is an entrance exam composed of one question: Do you know what Easter is? The first guy says "Sure, that's when the bunny rabbit comes with candy and gifts and the children search for hidden easter eggs." Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, but that is incorrect, and you can't come into heaven." The second man says "I thought that guy had it right - is it when that little green guy comes around with his pot of gold and we drink a lot of green beer?" Saint Peter says "No, that is very wrong, and you can't come into heaven." Saint Peter looks to the third man. The third man clears his throat and says "Easter is when we remember Jesus giving his life upon the cross for our sins on Friday and his resurrection on Sunday." Saint Peter is very pleased and says "No one has gotten the question right for decades now." The third man says "There's more." Saint Peter is puzzled but says "Go on my son." The third man says "when Jesus died, they placed his body in a cave and sealed it with a boulder. Every spring, they take the boulder off the cave, and if Jesus comes out and sees his shadow...."