After Life....

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary...."

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again. "

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink" --Lady
Astor to Winston Churchill
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it" -- His reply


Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill:
"Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

Seen this one? Worthy of a second look!


THE MORE YOU READ THE FUNNIER IT GETS......COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY.
THIS COULD PROBABLY HAPPEN TO ANY OF US AT ANYTIME.


$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
When the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
And there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
Like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
Relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,
Only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
And strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,
And then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.
I walked back out to the truck,
And suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained,
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?
That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!






Say. . . did I send this to you already?

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said,"Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied, "Who the FVCK told you they'd be women?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed
to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with
trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much
older
than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so
Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get
to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer

I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home...

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber "that was the cleanest shave I've had in years, but what would have happened if I'd accidentally swallowed that little ball?"


The barber replied- "No worries hombre, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*

Blow dryer mishap

> The Blonde and the Lord
>
>
>
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
>
>
> She'd seen and read many
books on the subject,
>
>
> and finally getting all the necessary
tools together,
>
>
> she made for the ice.
>
>
> After positioning her comfy footstool,
>
>
> she started to make a circular cut
in the ice.
>
>
> Suddenly,
> from the sky, a voice boomed,
>
>
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
>
> Startled, the blonde moved further
> down the ice,
>
>
> poured a thermos of cappuccino,
and began to cut yet another hole.
>
>
> Once again, from
> the heavens the voice bellowed,
>
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
>
> The blonde,
> now worried, moved away,
>
>
> clear down
> to the opposite end of the ice.
>
>
> She set up her stool once more
and tried again to cut her hole.
>
>
> The voice came once more,
>
>
>
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
>
>
>
> She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
>
>
>
> "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
>
>
>
>
> The voice replied,
>
>
>
>
> "NO, MAAM, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF
THE HOCKEY RINK!"

IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted 10 dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food? I asked.
No, I don't waste time fishing, the homeless man said... I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
Will you spend this on hunting equipment. I asked.
Are you NUTS! replied the homeless man. I haven't gone hunting in twenty years!
Well, I said, I'm not going to give you money. instead I am going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.
The homeless man was astounded. Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.

perfect!

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town.”

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

"No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

When the young boy says. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, No, "I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.





The boy thought for a moment...then says "you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

I was at the bar in the Texas Rose last night waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass.

She said, “Hey, sexy, how about giving me your number?”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”

She said, “I sure do."

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

On a scale of 1-10, how old is Jerry Sandusky’s boyfriend?


Jerry Sandusky claims he’s really young at heart. He says sometimes he feels like a 60 yr old stuck in a 10 yr old’s body.


Question: What did Jerry Sandusky want for his birthday?

Answer: A new shower curtain


Q: What do Jerry Sandusky and Carnation Evaporated Milk have in common?

A: They’re both white and come in little cans…


I hear Sandusky had to stop going to church. The priests kept fighting over who got to hear his confession.


You know it’s bedtime at Jerry Sandusky’s house when the big hand is on the little hand…



Jerry Sandusky was spotted at Wal-Mart today. Apparently he was confused by a sign that said “Boys’ pants half-off.”


One night Jerry Sandusky & Tim Curley were watching “Pirates of the Caribbean” together, when Jerry asks, “Would you bone Keira Knightley?”

Curley replied, “She’s got a skinny ass and no tits…it’d be like shagging a school boy.”

Jerry replies, “Yeah, so would I.”


You may hate Jerry Sandusky, but at least he drove slowly through school zones.


Jerry Sandusky walks into an elementary school just as classes are let out for the day, when a teacher approaches him & asks, “so which child is yours?”

Sandusky replies: “I don’t care, surprise me.”

LAKEWOOD, Wash. -- A toothless Lakewood man gave his roommate's arm a serious gumming after she refused to clean his ear, according to charges filed in Pierce County Superior Court.

According to the charging documents, 52-year-old Kenneth Chambers got upset with his female roommate at the Rancho Villa mobile-home park in Lakewood on Sunday over after her refusal to clean his ear and broke the door to her room off its hinges.

The victim reportedly sat on Chambers' lap and tried to talk to him, but he pushed her to the floor and bit her wrist. The victim later told Lakewood Police Department officers Chambers didn't have his teeth in but still bit down hard enough to hurt her.

According to the charging documents, Chambers choked the victim before pouring water all over her, damaging her hearing aid.

When the victim said she was calling 911, Chambers threatened to kill her, according to the charging documents.

A witness confirmed the victim's story, and Chambers was arrested.

Chambers reportedly told officers the victim hit him, and he was only trying to defend himself. According to the charging documents, he admitted to biting the victim, but said he didn't hurt her because he doesn't have any teeth.

Chambers has been charged with assault and malicious mischief.

What's the difference between KK and any other foul mouth, bitter, ignorant liberal, that is busy feeling self important while pounding on a keyboard?

Answer: There is no difference.

Ive always thought of KK as more of a carl spackler type but with quillbilly tendencies...



Nah.... he'll always be a bitter old goat fu (ker

Cinderella is going to the Big Ball. Evil Stepmother says you better be back by midnight or there will be big trouble. To be sure she is home on time and unbeknownst to Cinderella ES plants a cursed pumpkin seed in her snatch.

Cinderella gets home around 2 and the ES goes berserk. Thinking her curse had failed she demands to know who Cinderella was with. She answers -

"Peter, Peter something"

A hillbilly brings home a skunk. His wife asks where he is going to keep it. He says under the bed. She says what about the smell. He says I think he will get used to it.