long read for a weak punchline....

Dont be hatin.....
little johnny

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,

"I wanna watch."

from a DC Airline Ticket Agent *


A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in
trouble!

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ( Carol Shea-Porter ) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)

2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman' s ( Moore ) staffer ( Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massac husetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o
explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife ( Landra Reid ) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5.An aide for a cabinet member( Janet Napolitano ) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6.An Illinois Congresswoman ( Jan Schakowsky ) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I exp lained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, ( Jerrold Nadler ) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs
to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is
(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide ( Lindsay Ross ) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I=2 0need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to
get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly
to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman ( John Adler ) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? '' Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''



Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

Robo-Bartender

An oldie but goodie from the past (slightly edited) that seems even more accurate now than it did in 2004.

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"? The man replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the weather, football, baseball, action movies and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

A third guy came into the bar. As with the others, the robot asked, "What's your IQ?" "I'm not too sure," the man replied, "but someone told me that it's about 70." "That's cool,' the robot said. "So, what's the Republican Party up to these days?

Whats the difference between a dick and a paycheck? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Why does a bride smile when walking down the aisle? she knows she's given her last blowjob.

What do you call a lesbo with big fat fingers? Well Hung

What do hookers and bungee jumping have in common? They both cost a 100.00 bucks and you are screwed if the rubber breaks.

Whats the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck.

Yoga and Drinking have more in common than most people realize......................

Yes it do!

All these doctors from around the world were togethor talking the German doctor said we are so advanced we put a pigs kidney in a man and had him looking for work in 4 weeks, the russian doctor said I can top that we put a new heart in a man and had him looking for work in 2 weeks, then the american doctor said I can do ya one better we put a black man in the white house and had every man looking for work in 2 days.

An inexperienced hunter hired a guide to take him elk hunting in the back country. He met the guide at a trailhead. They unloaded horses and rode up the trail in search of elk. About a mile in a tweaker ran out of the bushes and the guide promptly shot him. The hunter was upset and said "you just killed him, you can't do that!" The guide let him know that in those parts it was perfectly legal.
They continued their hunt and the guide managed to shoot 2 more tweakers, but they didn't encounter any elk. They rode back to the trailhead where they discovered some tweakers breaking into their fancy rigs. The hunter shot as many as he could. Then sirens blared and cops came out of the bushes to arrest the hunter. The hunter let them know it was his understanding that it was legal in those parts. The officer in charge said that indeed it was legal to shoot tweakers, but against the law to shoot them over bait.

RV

Hey everybody, have you heard? Patrick Swayze will be the guest all week long on The View.


















































Only Whoopi Goldberg will be able to hear him.

To soon man, too soon. .. . .J/K, that is actually pretty damn funny .. .

speaking of drinking - have you heard about the new drink called the "Roman Polanski"?

it's thirteen year old scotch with a cherry.

I have a three year old... that made me laugh.

Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes

Fourth Place

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired to
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty
years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.