40 Things Ya’ll Never Hear a Redneck Say


40. Oh, I just couldn’t. Hell, she’s only sixteen.

39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won’t fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can’t feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

30. Wrestling’s fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We’re vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I’ll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.

15. I’ve got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

5. I don’t have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You ALL.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE...
He said...

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with

I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine. Meet ------- MAX

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'&a mp;nb sp;
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

I SAW A BILLBOARD SIGN THAT SAID:


NEED HELP? CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new arg ument.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too,

Joe was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His
wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, Joe came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school,
nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said
Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said Joe. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my
parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty
jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to Joe and delivered a roundhouse right that not only
knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the
patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After
all, he is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the sh*t
out of her, not once, but three times.

BWP-

Send that one as a "primer" to Superfly!

An elderly couple are sitting in church when she leans over to her husband and says "I just let a very long,silent fart,what should I do ?" His reply,"change the battery in your hearing aids!"

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong, 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' (You've gotta love this..) 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach
ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Drafting Guys over 60
----this is so Funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are imp atient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. In the "New army" now, "Get down and give me ... er .. One."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. Also, we won't get in trouble for mistreating prisoners.
We won't take any.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

IRISH BIRTH CONTROL





Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met
up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and
didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light
a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin g hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Three couples were interested in joining a new church. The minister of the church explained what was required to join the church. It was very simple. Abstain from sex for two months.

The minister welcome two couple into the congregation, when they returned after two months. The third couple was young and only the man arrived at the church. He told the father, he had failed the test. The father consoled him and ask the young man to explain the situation. Well, he said, we just recently got married. My bride likes to wear short skirts and one day, she spilled to coffee beans on the floor. I just couldnt help myself and I took her right on the floor. I just couldnt lie about it.

Well, the father said, Im sorry to hear that. It wont change anything, you wont be able to come back to the church on Sunday. The young man was not suprised. Father, safeway told us the same thing.

A husband and wife are shopping in Wal Mart when the man picks up a
case of Budweiser and puts them into the shopping cart.


'What do you think you're doing? asks his wife.'
'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' he says,


'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they
carry on shopping ...


A few aisles later the woman picks up a $30 jar of face cream and sticks
it into the shopping cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,


'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'so does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's only half the
price!!!'

This man happened to be looking for a pet to keep his wife company, while he was out of town. He noticed a parrot in the pet store and asked the store keeper about it. The parrot was extremely intelligent and could easily repeat what he heard. The unusual thing about the parrot was that he was missing one foot. For balance the parrot actually wrapped his johnson around the perch bar for balance. The store owner explained, this bird is unusual. The bird had informed the wife, that the husband was having an affair. The man thought interesting, this bird could keep my wife company and keep an eye on her. Well the owner was very happy to sell this parrot, since most people thought it was a bit odd. The man bought a cage and brought the parrot home.

His wife was not really interested in the parrot and but decided to keep the parrot anyway. As usual the man left out of town and returned about a week later. He got home and his wife was not in. He decided to see how the parrot was doing. He said hello and the parrot said hey baby your hot".
That was a strange response, he thought. He said youre pretty hot too."
The bird said wanna get laid? Oh MY GOD! he thinks. Was there a man in this house and the bird replied, yes. Oh my God Did the man get laid?
Bird replied, Im not sure. "What happened" Well they started kissing said the bird, What happend then? "They started taking off her cloths" Then what happened. "Then he took off his cloths" Then what happened. Well I got wood and fell of the dam perch.

There was this guy who lived about an hour outside of a busy city where he worked but he lived on a farm out in the country side. He woke up late one weekday morning and didn't have time to get some eggs, milk and make a breakfast for himself. Pissed off, he had to leave and head for work cause of the long drive ahead of him.

He drives the same interstate every day, but this morning, there was this new fruit stand on the side of the road he had never passed before. Hungry because he didn't have his usual breakfast, he stopped by to pick up something to eat. The fruit stand had everything. Just a ridiculous assortment. Being a Florida boy, he loved peaches. So he bought two of them and started eating them on his way to the car because he was so hungry. He took his first bite and turned around immediately and walked back to the stand. He went up to the guy running the stand and said "Dang! These are the best peaches I've EVER had. Whats the secret?" The fruit stand guy responded: "These are genetically modified peaches. I found the tastiest peach in the world and duplicated it's genes into the peaches I grow so now all my peaches taste the best!"

The guy, just astounded at the technology, goes "So, like, you can make fruit taste like anything?" The fruit stand guy goes "Yea, basically. I can make a fruit taste like anything. I can make apples taste like oranges, I can make chocolate flavored bananas, grapes that taste like lemonade, beer flavored strawberries. Yea. I can make any fruit taste like anything. I can get any flavor you want. Want to try something?"

So the guy goes: "Well, I've always been a fan of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches since I was a young boy, do you have those?" "Of course" said the fruit guy, and handed the man a peanut butter and jelly peach. The guy sunk his teeth into the peach, chewed and swallowed it and said "That is the best strawberry jelly I have ever tasted! But I don't taste any peanut butter?" The fruit stand guy said "Ohh, turn it around" So the guy turned the peach around, took a bite and said "Ahh, this is the most delicious and creamy peanut butter I've ever tasted!"

The guy finished his PB&J peach, and was still looking to try more of this amazing new fruit. The fruit stand guy said "anything you can imagine, I have. Try me. I guarantee it" So the other guy, being pretty outgoing on this one, says "Well, this is weird, but do you have women flavored fruit? Like the taste when you eat a girl out?"

"Of course" was the answer, and he was handed a peach that looked like just a normal peach, but this one was formulated to taste like a woman. So the guy, hesitantly, takes a bite, and spits it out immediately... "EWW, this taste like feces, I meant for the fruit to taste like p*ssy!" The fruit farmer, goes: "Turn it around to the other side!"

where do bees piss.








A Bp station.

Journalist David O'Brien from Cork, Ireland writes:

'We in Ireland cannot figure why you Americans are even bothering to hold a presidential election this year.
On one side, you have a cackling bitch who is a lawyer, married to a disbarred lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a lawyer bitch who is not proud of her country.
On the other side, you have a war hero who loves his country and is married to a good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship worth 100 million dollars.


I say, is there really a contest here?