THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count…..


'1'




'2'




'3'




'4'




'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , parts of Georgia, Missouri , West Virginia , Oregon, Florida and All of Washington DC .

In a recent survey, 1,000 married men were asked why they enjoy blow jobs.
Two pecent said they like the warm, moist sensation, three percent said it makes for the best foreplay and 95 percent said they simply like the peace and quiet.

:groan:

NOTES FROM THE EDGE

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." Just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP Petroleum

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish dirt-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Muslims
Why don't you all commit suicide and make everybody happy
Sincerely,
Your mothers

HOT new workout video, the Tug Toner!

http://youtu.be/pWng0Equoe0

Herman Cain.

Hah, Hah.

Fish on...

Todd

Dig deep and GIVE this holiday season, these poor unemployed athletes NEED YOUR HELP!

http://youtu.be/_4I-8Fsu68g

2 gay guys are walking down the street. They see a dog laying down licking his balls.

1st gay guy says "I wish I could do that."
2nd gay guy says "Ya, but he might bite you."

On that note.. ... ..
A man joins the foreign legion and they station him out on a tiny fortress in the middle of the desert, a long way from the nearest human settlement.

A few months go by and he starts to feel horny. He asks his commander what the men do when they start to get lonely. The commander hesitantly replies,

"Well, I guess you've been here long enough, so I'll tell you." He takes the guy out behind the fort and shows him an old camel, "Her name's Lucy. Just take her out whenever you feel lonely, but don't ride her too hard, she's not as young as she used to be!"

The man is appalled, "No way!! That's disgusting!" The commander shrugs and walks off.

A few more months pass and a few more after that. Finally the guy is so horny he just caves in. "Fine! I give up! I'll do it!!"

He takes old Lucy out behind a sand dune, unfurls his pants and goes at it.

After he's done, he walks Lucy back to the fort. He's ashamed, but nolonger horny. The commander looks over to him, "Back so soon?"

The man replies, "Well, I was gone half an hour... how long does it take YOU?"

The commander scratches his chin, "Oh, I'd say it takes me at least 2 days to get into town."

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is
And how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

A blonde watching the news hears that two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

She sobs and cries, "Oh my goodness, that is so sad! How many is a brazilian?"

If Santa went to the OP for three days of fishing, where would he go?













Hoh!Hoh!Hoh!

What is Santa's favorite Poker hand?

3 Queens.













HoHoHo!

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus walks into a bed and breakfast and goes up to the front desk and lays three nails on the counter and says do you have anywhere to put me up for the night?

I fired a guy once for a similar stunt..Ohh I'm so sick I can't make it in today so I spent all day finishing up his work and as I'm driving home we meet at an intersection. He's trying to slide down in his seat with a new boat behind his truck..

How do you keep beavers out of your backyard ?

Put up a goalpost.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are
you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called La Residenza."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, also, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and, if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Please tell me, my child…Who fvcked up your hair?"

What does Jerry Sandusky and a tortoise have in common?

They both got there before the hare!

Three guys go into a bar; a Greek, an Italian and a Frenchman. Who pays the bill?




The German!!!