Edit: I brought this joke thread back to the top for new readers to enjoy. While a majority of our topics are fishing related, we do like to have some non-fishing fun posts on occassion too. As noted by Doug below, some of these are very reasonable adult type humor jokes, nothing raunchy (we won't allow that). But if these type jokes are bothersome too you, simply click off this thread and click on topics of interest to you. Thanks - RT
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Now keep in mind these are all in good fun ok so if any one is easely offended then I suggest you stop redin now

A holy man is in church one day prayin
When he looks up and god appears to him

God says to the man " You have decated your life to me and for that I will grant you one wish"

The man replies "I want a highway from here to Hawaii"

God tells the man to go home and sleep on it and come back the next day.

The man goes home and comes back the folling day and god reappears to him

God asks the man what his wish was and the man replies "God I would like to understand women"

God paused for a second and replied "would you like Two lanes OR Four!"



[ 04-26-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

> > The Blonde Kidnapper

> > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she
decided
> > to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
> > She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and
> > wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain
> > brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed,
> > The
> > Blonde"
> > She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
> > straight home.
> > The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
> > bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
> > Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot
> > believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Keep them non x-rated . Thanks. ....

An old cogger outdoor hermit was brought before the Madison County Judge in Montana for a pre-trial hearing to determine if he was fit for trail on charges of killing an Endagered Species List protected whooping crane bird. The hearing went like this:

Judge, "Now Mr. Fudd, I want to ask you some questions. Did you know it was illegal to shoot that whooping crane you got caught with?"

Mr. Fudd, "Well ... I guessum I heard rumors about that. But nobody ever said it right to me face."

Judge, "Are you aware Mr. Fudd that it is your responsibility to know hunting laws before you shoot anything?"

Fudd, "Huh? ... Well, I 'spose. But I can't read."

Judge, "You have to learn the laws one way or another before you can hunt. Tell me, why did you kill that gorgeous rare bird anyway?"

Fudd, "I like the taste of em, judge."

Judge, "Well, Mr. Fudd, I think in this case you may not have the basic understanding of the laws. I will exonerate you from trial if you will promise me to learn the hunting laws. And I don't carer how good whopping crane tastes, no more shooting them. And I am curious though, what do thsoe birds taste like?"

Fudd, "Well judge ... hmmm ... oh, I'd say about half way between bald eagle and trumpeter swan."

RT

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man outside leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks the clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains."So I gave him a laxative and told him to take to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall."Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.

Q: How do you know if a redneck is married?
A: There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.


here's another

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went
to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "Well, shoot, I want to
hang out with God!"

So St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went over to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender states that no pets aren't allowed in the bar. The guy assures the bartender that the monkey will be no problems.
A little while later the monkey jumps off the guys shoulder, runs across the floor, jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball.
The bartender is furious, but the guy calms him down, by explaining that he will return the cue ball after he craps it out.
The next day the guy returns, and hands the shiny clean cue ball to the bartender. The bartender eyes the monkey suspiciously but says nothing.
After the guy has had a couple beers, the monkey jumps from his shoulder, runs across the bar, grabs a peanut, shoves it up his butt and eats it.
"Now what is you monkey doing?!", the bartender exclaims.
The guy replies,"Ever since the cue ball, the monkey likes to test things out, before he eats them."

Guy walks into a bar orderes a beer and sits down at the bar. After a bit he inquires about the jar of $10 bills sitting behind the bar? The bartender explains that it is part of a contest they are currently holding.. the winner gets free beer for a year. The guy askes what he has to do to win... Barkeep explains that he must knock out the bouncer with one punch, as the bartender points out the 8'6" 280 pound bouncer. secondly you must pull the infected tooth of our dobberman pincher gaurd dog out back.. and thirdly you must go up stairs and satisify our well seasoned and experienced bar maid.
We after about ten more drinks the guy hands the barkeep a $10 sport and sneaks up to the bouncer and wammo, one sucker puch later the bouncer falls to the floor.

Out the back door the guy trots to the dog pin.. 2 hours later the guy comes crawling back scratched, cut, bloody, and askes, "where's that old lady with the infected tooth?"

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His
mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the
beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The
wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies
the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the
garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A husband and wife were out on a nice drive when they began to start arguing. finally the husband just stoped talkin to his wife.

His wife kept gettin madder and madder then they past by a farm with some sheep and cows out in the pasture

The Wife looks at her husban and says "relatives of yours"

The husband replies in a calm voice "I think they are my inlaws"

A young Hoosier moves to Seattle and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said out on the Sound,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Grady White.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that Excursion."

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's ****ed, you might as well go fishing."

Q: What did the steelhead say when he whacked his head on the concrete?

A: Dam :p

There once was a famous Portland attorney who leased the duck hunting rights on a field in the Nehalem valley. Now this attorney was an arrogant s.o.b. who never got along with any of the neighboring farmers.
One day the attorney shot a nice mallard drake that fell on the other side of the fence. The attorney hopped up onto the fence to go over to retrieve his duck. The neighboring farmer was passing by on his tractor and came over to ask the attorney what he thought he we doing. The attorney said "I'm going to get my duck".
The farmer replied "No you are not, this is my property and I will not let you on it".

Again the attorney, who is getting angry, told the farmer in no uncertain terms that he was going to get his duck and again the farmer threatened to have him arrested for trespassing if he crossed the fence.

The attorney finally said "Do you know who I am??? I am the most powerful, highest paid attorney in the Portland area. When I send a subpoena to people they are so scared they lose control of all bodily functions. If you don't let me get my duck I am going to tie you up in the worst lawsuit you can imagine. You will lose all your land, your money, your family, everything you have."

The farmer thought about that for awhile and then said "Now I know that there is probably no way that I could fight someone as intelligent as you and Lord knows I don't have the money for a long lawsuit. So what do you say that we solve this problem using the Nehalem Three Kick Rule". "This rules state that I get to kick you three times, then you kick me three times and we go back and forth until someone gives up."

Now the attorney is 35 years old, works out at the Multnomah Athletic Club daily and is looking pretty buff. The farmer looks like a poster boy from AARP.The attorney grins and states "you are on, old timer"

The farmer then walks up to the attorney and lays a hard kick right to the groin. As the attorney snaps over the farmer puts a heavy boot to the side of his thigh. The attorney crumples to the ground and the farmer kicks him so hard in the ribs you can actually hear them cracking.

The attorney lays on the ground for a little while and then gets up, brushes himself off and says "Alright Old Man, now it is my turn"

The farmer looks at the attorney and says
"Nah....You Win...I give up....you can have your duck"


OneLastCast

Why It's great to be a guy:

Your as* is never a factor in a job interview

The garage is all yours

You can be President

Car mechanics tell you the truth

Same work, More pay

Wrinkles add character

You can wear a white shirt to a water park

THE WORLD IS YOUR URINAL

SINCE THESE HAVE TO BE CLEAN, HERES THE JOKE A 6 YEAR OLD TOLD IN THE BOAT SUNDAY. I EVEN GOT A CHUCKLE OUT OF IT.

WHY DID THE COOKIE GO TO THE DOCTOR?
HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
> The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work
>
> promptly at 8:00 AM.
> The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
> The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
> employee.
> He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
> The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show
> him the problem.
> Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
> At the end of the line is the new employee.
> She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of
> marbles.
>
> They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
> marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
> The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
> After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman,
>
> and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
> Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

A 60 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told
him, "you're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the
way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes
skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the
summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well how old was your grandfather
when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60
years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your
grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting
married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?"
His patient looked up surprised at the doctor and said, "Did I say he
WANTED to?"

Pierre and Boudreaux wuz flyin on dat dere Cajun Airlines to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin aroun wit da cargo equipment and stuff.

Da plane hit sum of dat turbulence thing and started bouncin around and Boudreaux he got knock unconscious. Den da plane start to driftin. Pieree, he dun come up front and seen dat Boudreaux was sprawl all over da steerin wheel. Pieree, he a smart boy, but he ain't no nuthin bout flyin a plane thing. He start to get panicky. He grab dat microphone and say "May Day, May Day, May Day". Dis is Cajun airline 90210. Boudreaux dun knock himself out, and I ain't no nuthin bout flyin dis plane thing.

"Dis is the control tower", someone answer. Don't you go worry bout nuthin. "We gonna splain da whole thing to land dis plane, step by step, Ah Gar own Tee"! Just leave everything ta us. "Fus, how high is you, and whut is you position?"

Pierre, think a minute, and den say "I'm five foot ten, and I'm all da way to the frunt of the plane"

"No, NO" answer da tower. What's you altitude and and where is your location?

Pieree say " Man ah got me a poor attitude, and I 'm from Thibodeaux".

"No, NO, No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane is in relation fo da airport".

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say. "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da ground an I don believe dis plane related to you airport"!

A long pause came - the silence was deafinin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is, and where to send da flowers!"

Great jokes guys!!! Except for maybe KNOPHISH's - you can be a little "dirtier" than that .

Keep more coming, this is fun.

[ 04-14-2001: Message edited by: RT ]