All right guys, enough is enough. It's getting closer and closer to summertime so we need to set up a naming ceremony at the Ranch. No more wannabes, we're talking the reel deal here folks. If you want a real title, then get your lilly arses up there and go through the initiation.

The following events will be held there this summer:

-Female Jello wrestling
-Wet T-shirt contests
-Bikini contest
-Plunk-a-thon
-Limbo
-Beer chuggin' contest
-etc. etc. etc.

Let's get some good ideas up here, guys. What do you want me to put together up there this year?

Justin
Supreme Leader and Omnipotent Ruler
at Sauk River Steelhead Ranch
Vision Pro Staff

Hey Kid;
Will the Plunk - a - thon and beer chugging contest be held at the same time? Some pansy was looking over my shoulder and thought it was puke - a - thon.

GutZ

Hey, if you were omnipotent wouldn't you already know?

I'm in..........I take on any and all Females in the Jello wrestling
............Os

I don't feel like winning the pukeathon...

Future Director of Female Jello Wrestling
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff

[ 05-18-2001: Message edited by: The Reel Osprey ]

Count me in too, brah.

I nominate:
Keg Stands
Circle of Death

to go along with your suggestions.


F.B.I. Director (Federal Bikini Inspector)
1 of 2 Key-stone-holders
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff

I also forgot about midget tossing and tractor pulls.

Coroner
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff

Hey 'Kid', I hereby apply for the Director of Beer Bong chugging contests (only for over 21 year olds that are not driving soon afterward of course!), in addtion to my directorship of the "Women's fittness and self defense" program of course. The girls need to know how to handle any situation up there. Gotta blow my horn here and accept all challenges - I set the OSU Kappa *** frat record for single beer bong chug (12 oz.) during Dad's weekend last fall. In 1.7 seconds. Does anyone have a 20 oz. beer bong for the reel men? ... The plunk-a-thong sounds interesting!

Oh ya ... 'Yall, as for the tractor pulls, I heard you are into some other kind of 'pulls'. The rest of us there are hetero though. And after you are done with your midget toss, Timberman and I will have some fun playing toss and catch with you. After we duct tape you into a reel football

looks like i might have some compition in the beer chuggin contest, (6.5 sec pitchers)

Now RT, since you are so hetero, then when the subject of midget tossing came up, why did you say "should I bring the vaseline and spatula?"

I wouldn't let you pull my chain, you sick puppy :p :p :p

Director of Women's Finger Painting
Mississippi River Steelhead Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff

Hey DK, was that with a small pitcher or the big one? Small one I'm in. If it was the big one, I'm not worthy - I'm impressed!

LOL, good one 'Yall. But you said you wouldn't tell anyone about my vaseline thing. Don't forget about the blanket toss.

Oh geez, the rest of you members still reading this thread - forgive us our fun. And it's ALL in fun.

------------
RT
President of NW Sheep Shearing Union
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

Let's party

Leave it to OSU to provide a max capacity 12.5 oz beer bong. You better consult some of those upstanding young men in the WSU frats (provided there are any fraternities left on campus) on high volume beer bong engineering.
As for activities...(alternatives when everyone gets tired of the same old monotonous bikini-clad, oil soaked blondes prancing around).
1. Tavern Jacket Modeling.
2. Speed Gizzard Eating
3. Phlegm Volleyball
4. Free Bodypiercing using 4/0 Mustads.
5. Pin the gaff on the gillnetters.
6. Tying the Silver Hilton using belly
button lint and bodily fluids.
7. Informational sessions on "Float tube
fishing and beer drinking...Have no fear
of urination. You can overcome it!"
8. Exchange excuses to use on your wife
when you show up piss drunk for the third
time straight returning from fishing.
9. Learn why others have been wrongly
accused of having lipstick on their
collars when it is really shrimp smelly
jelly AND how to use it to your
advantage.
10. Fart lighting around the campfire!

Funny replies, guys. Keep 'em coming.

Get ready for the games to begin sometime around July 4. Bring a newbie so we can play pin the tail on the cracker :p

Peace

With all of the previous posts I'm a little concerned as to what you plan to pin the crackers tail with

Well I guess I better establish myself in the Cabinet somewhere being that Kid Sauk is now a business partner of mine and he told me to get a title for myself, so here it goes
How about:
1.Director of Entertainment
2.Substance abuse counsoler
3.Party and event supplies inspector
4.Director of operations

I could go on and on , but lets see how this works to start
Superfly

Hey 'fly,

I need some counseling on how to abuse substances.......good to see you're available to help me out

I got a position for Hey Y'all, but I'm not sure it can be discussed here....

Hey Justin, I thought you'd died. Hadn't seen you in a bit. Since you've been away, I have a new email address. Click above, I'l actually GET my mail now.

I'm all in. Let me know when and I'm there.

Can I have this title "Cataraft cruise director"? I can run my whitewater frame and run 4 pontoon stradlers while I run the oars. Figured if the weekend was nice could float the river.

How about William Tell accuracy casting by trying to knock a beer can off Hey Ya'lls head with a baitcaster loaded up with a 5 ounce pyramid? j/k ya'll, we'll put RT in that position after we've given him a few pounds off the beer bong

Hey Justin, is there room for trailers/tents? Never been to the steelhead ranch so wasn't sure. Might be selling my little trailer for a bigger one, and not sure if I'll be into a new trailer by that time.

Jerry

PS, we still need to get together. Let me know when you make it into the area.

Too bad I can't make it. With 11 1/2 years of Rugby experience I could contribute greatly to the social ambience. How about the following:

1. Administrator of The Elephant Walk

2. Executive Vice President of Bat Rat

3. Director of Land Sharking

Hey RT, how can you call a 12.5 ounce container a beer bong? Come on man, I cry 12.5 ounces of tears everytime the New Orleans Saints lose a game. Fire up the bongy for a six pack and count me in. Won the All Iowa Rugby chamionship for beer chuggin 5 years in a row. You and me gotta get this beer bong thing straight.

6.5 seconds, holy toledo,,
I don`t think I can even drink a glass of water that fast...

Hey Hawk, like I said above, "does anyone have a 20 oz. beer bong", for the Ranch parties? The 12 oz. bong is all they had at the frat party last fall - that's why I didn't mention the frat name. Embarrassing.

BTW, nobody gave a thumbs up on the Plunk-a-thong event? Much more fun than the Plunk-a-thon.

------------
RT
Consierge' - Women's Bunker
Sauk River Steelhead ranch

[ 05-20-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

Just wondering, Should I shave my legs to enter the bikini contest?

RT

Cut the bottom off of a 2 liter bottle of pop and attach the bong hose to the 'top' of the bottle. You can do a pitcher down one of these bad boys and they're quick and easy to make.

'Yall wants to have a contest "tossing off" midgets? Sick man, totally sick.

Saltine
Director of Tasting Room
Everett Brown Trout Effluent Hatchery

Beer Bong
I feel confident in the Pukeathon competetion with out the hardware

Director of Cataraft Rodeo (hey Yall watch this )
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff

There ain't no way I am entering into any fishing contest if RT is wearing a thong! Could you imagine the amount of Sunburned flesh that could create? Is there a burn unit at the Ranch? Can anybody say Shriners!?! :p

Just wondering, Should I shave my legs to enter the bikini contest?

Yee ouch. So much for breathing and I've got people talking about getting drunk and shaving body parts. Jerry - I think Osprey prefers waxing, but you'd have to ask Dan about that. You may want to watch anything clean shaven around Saltine, but if he gets drunk enough, he may do the shaving for you. Funny thing, he always has a pair of sheep shearers handy.

Hey Osprey, I'm game for the cataraft rodeo. 2 words: Cataraft Up. You just need to learn cowboy talk; "get along lil doggie" doesn't give you the green light to teach Spot new tricks.

SH69 - why in the world would there be a beer can on my head!? Why not just crush the can on our heads in a relay? A real man can do a full beer can.

I'll construct a couple of beer bongs for y'all and no RT, it won't be a weak Kappa Sig bong either. Whomever's liver is still functioning (even if partially) wins.

I'm game on for the gizzard eating contest.

How about sack races? In that case, I got yer sack right here, Dan.

SH 69, hey man. I'll try your new e-mail address. BTW 69 there's plenty of room if you have a camper, rv, tent, mobile home, etc.

Jerry Garcia, I appreciate your willingness to participate, however, even if you shave your legs you will be disqualified for any bikini contests because you are a man dammit!!!. Just kidding. The contest has and always will be for women only so you can be a spectator or even a judge. Traditionally, the Sauk River Steelhead Ranch has hosted several amateur bikini contests most of which occur under a full moon

Daytime before and after most Sauk parties has bikini babes soakin' up da sun and swimming in the backwaters. You need only plunk and watch. Kegs are always kept cold in big plastic garbage cans full of ice. I'm building a booze hut this year which will house the necessary blenders for "ladies' drinks". Bartenders please apply.

I have a killer idea for the new Sauk Ranch T shirts so please let me know if you know anybody who does T shirt designs or printing. The shirts are going to have a big-chested blonde holding a native steelhead ready to release with Mt. Whitehorse in the background. Nicknames and/or titles go on the front of the shirt.

I will be hosting two large parties this year, one in June and one in July. We'll see how the first ones go and then we'll talk about Riverfest 2001 to be held up there in August.

I also need to know who can find a dunk tank? How about $5 to dunk hey_yall? Or how about RT? Parker? We also need to get some volleyball teams organized for a tournament.

Sauk River Steelhead Ranch.....get some wild tail

Justin
President, Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

[ 05-21-2001: Message edited by: Kid Sauk ]

LOL GutZ. But fear not for me - ask anyone who has had the displeasure of rowing me in the front of their driftboat; I have an intracatable case of half-ass plumbers butt. Yes, you heard that right, it goes half way down my rear end, and that's a long ways . So my upper half is already tan enough to handle wearing a thong while I bong w/o getting too sunburned. It's the rest of ya that I feel for if I 'dawn the thong'. Not a bad idea though, as it will surely clear the place of you guys so I can enjoy the fishing and the cold keg with just me and the girls - they will enjoy the thong! Ya right, kind of like passing a gruesome accident; they won't want to look but won't be able to help it . In fact I may put on 2 thongs for them - one on each foot; only. ... Nah, just not fair to the rest of you guys; hangin' around.

Actually guys, Justin holds a class party up at the river ranch and will be fun for all (anybody getting OD'd on keg foam gets put in the drunk tank to cool off).

Edit: Most interesting thread quotes so far:

Dan S. "I got a position for Hey Y'all, but I'm not sure it can be discussed here...."

Hey_Yall "In that case Dan, I got your sack right here."

Well now hmmmm. Hey Redneck, in your e-mail planning with Dan did he even have the class to offer you a reach around?

(Forgive me Lord, for I cannot help myself)

------------
RT
Supermodel Bikini Photo Portfolio Judge
& Bikini Waxing Assistant
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

[ 05-21-2001: Message edited by: RT 1 ]

RT1 that would be the plastic one and of course that was 22years ago sorry took so long to respond this is a work computer

First of all, this is a damn funny thread. Second, RT does have the mother-of-all-plumbers butt It's out of control...kinda like the movie 'The Blob', it's everywhere! My poor boat just isn't the same anymore.

Life at the Ranch is tough. Notice how I got demoted from President to CEO?

Kiiiiiiiidd, I have several unique methods for bikini judging, most involve a hands on approach.

HMMMMMM!!! are we talkin ladies half nekked?? I'll be there

Sauk river steelhead ranch ladies quarters guard



Let the games begin!!!

I'm your huckleberry

May my wife stay away from the computter!!!!!

What if your wife saw that!??!!?

Sparkey, I hope that's not a lame attempt at blackmail. Remember, I know where you work!

I think Timber,might need some help guarding the valuables....no Redneck not the livestock ...Os


Assistant Director of Primate Discipline
Sauk River SteelHead Ranch
Redneck Prostaff
Have Duct Tape will travel

I do herby formally apply for the job of SRSR spandex inspector. My pledge to you is to let no female, wearing spandex, to be admitted to the ranch without my seal of approval. (Who says I won't kiss butt)

Fishhead5
Applicant to the Sauk River Steelhead RanchI do herby formally apply for the job of SRSR spandex inspector. My pledge to you is to let no female, wearing spandex, to be admitted to the ranch without my seal of approval. (Who says I won't kiss butt)

Fishhead5
Applicant to the Sauk River Steelhead RanchI do herby formally apply for the job of SRSR spandex inspector. My pledge to you is to let no female, wearing spandex, to be admitted to the ranch without my seal of approval. (Who says I won't kiss butt)

Fishhead5
Applicant to the Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

Hey, Fishead5, howz life? As the President of the Sauk River Steelhead Ranch, I hereby grant you your request as Official Spandex inspector. Congratulations, Doug, I'm sure you'll do a great job.

For the rest of you that want to come to the festivities this summer, please send resumes and title requests to my e-mail address listed in my profile above. Don't forget the pictures of your wives, daughters, and boats. I accept trades for short-term and long-term land leases for up to 5 acres.

Thanks, guys and I'm composing a guest list for this summer's festivities.

Timber, e-mail me if you can fish this weekend.

Tight lines and women!!!

So Justin, when are you going to hold the first big shindig? We're all ready to party like a bunch of rockstars and fish like there's no tomorrow! Summer is just around the corner and when I'm done beating the tar out of the Wind then I'll be ready to head up to the Sauk Ranch. So?

3:19am?!

Must have been night fishing with the white tadpolly again

Unknown Stuntman
Mississippi River Catfish Ranch
Redneck Pro-Staff
Team Corona and Lime

Hey Kid Suak
I think Fishhead5 might need some help with the spandex inspections
So I must apply for assitant spandex inspector and I swear not to let any female past the gates with out my approval too.
I learned from the best right dad

Hey Kiiiiiiiddd, I would like to apply for the position of Undersecretary in charge of female skin enhancement, including but notlimited to, the placement and application of all skin moisturizers.

Sorry amigos, but BigDave will be working the gate.

Be sure to get the secret code from The Kid, as BigDave won't let anyone in without it.

Hey Pepe, I know the secret code - it's "I got yer code right here dude!". Ooops, I let it out. Excuse please. Have to change it now. ....

And Justin, I have a rough draft of the "Requirements of Passage" piece you wanted me to have for the gate watchers:

SAUK RIVER STEELHEAD RANCH 'Standards of Entry' - Document No. 1269 (please bring proof of acceptability to the gate masters
in charge)

- If you are a good looking woman you are in.

- If you are a marginal looking woman you will need to be wearing a very skimmpy thong bikini. Those needing a 'waxing' see RT. (forgive me Mom, and tell the Lord I'm an OK guy when you see him at dinner tonight)

- All other women and farm animals can wait in 'Yalls car outside the gate; he won't last long inside. (jk'n ya dude - and don't forget the beer bong)

- If you are a man that is better looking than RT you must go to the make up tent outside and north of the main entry gate. There you will have your face downgraded to a notch below the appearance or RT's and also have some extra padding added to your bellies under your shirt. Then you may re-apply for entry. (OK, I'll beat you lamos to it "Hey RT, gonna be a busy makeup tent").

- If you are a guy with a cold keg full of quality draft beer you get in without any other qualifications.

- If you bring 2 very high quality life sized blond dolls to give the Kid (President) and Parker (CEO), you have a very good chance at getting in even if you are below No. 1269 code standards.

- Osprey Rule No. 14B; If you are a guy and come in a pink dress &/or are towing a sheep on a leash ... sorry, wrong party. Wait your turn in 'Yall's car.

- ANY man that can out chug RT can hence forth refer to himself as A) Lucky, B)The King C) Stupid D) All of the above

- Fishing rods and tackle are optional.

RT
Director of Activities
Carp Fishing Instructor
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

Kokanee Draft Pro Staff - U.S. Division

Pepe
I am not lookin to guard the gat just to make sure Quailty and ONLY Quailty gets in
As for the bouncer goes We will let Big dave handle all the rough stuff
Hey RT
Are you sure anyone can be down graded to your level of uglyness jk'n
Dances out

Right on, guys. Sounds like this fiesta should be good as always.

RT, you could not have explained the rules better. Good job, bro. I would also like to clarify that there are no weapons of any kind allowed and you will be checked by Big Dave at the gate. Your wives, girlfriends, mistresses, female escorts, and mail order brides are welcome to come, however, we ask that they are of legal age........to drink alcohol that is

I am setting up a formal party date which should be in about 3 weeks so get ready. Unlike the Wind river, you pack it in, you pack it out! Vandalism, violence, or abuse of property or people will result in immediate removal of said persons responsible.

RV's, tents, campers, etc. are welcome but please contact me in advance if you are bringing any large RV's or trailers as space for large vehicles is somewhat limited.

If you receive an official invite via e-mail, then consider yourself invited. If you do not receive an invite and you don't fit into one of the categories mentioned in RT's post, then e-mail and beg, plead, bribe, trade, etc. and we'll see what we can do.

We also need to set something up for drift boats, catarafts, etc. for the float the folling afternoon. Notice I said afternoon as most people don't have the mental capacity or sleep to fish the next morning after a night at the Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

Justin
President and Owner at
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

P.S. Anybody who touches the first lady (my woman) will be hancuffed to a tree w/o food or water for 3 weeks. You also may float the Sauk w/o a boat.

Oh, yeah. We'll have a fireworks show if you so desire. Just holler.

Good behavior rules to augment the gate requirements Kid. Hey, nobody in their right mind is going to touch the 'first lady'! But what if someone brings you another great inflatable dollie and you fall for it again ... ah, her again ... and someone dares to touch your doll? There are a number of guys I can think of who need to know this.

RT, actually I'm not sure if Steph is going to be the first lady or not. She's flakin' out on me so I might have to resort to my new mistress. She's cuter than a #50 Hotshot and she can fish too! It just depends on whether I'm in a blonde or brunette mood, but either way she'll be a doll all right! No, RT, not the plastic kind like the Forks Babe. I'm in the hook business, remember? Those kinda girlies don't last too long in my house with all the loose hooks everywhere.

It looks like we'll be doing this shindig the last weekend in June.

Who's ready? Hey_yall will be there to give banjo lessons and if he gets out of line we don't need to worry about the duct tape. Big Dave said that he can handle him just fine. It's you, RT, I'm worried about.

Hey J, I'm just a big ol' puppy dog - unless someone tries to steal my beer. ...

Thanks for the cool party setup Justin. Sounds like it will be fun and only fun. Great. Can hardly wait. - Steve

RT, in all seriousness we are going to throw a huge book signing party for you to celebrate the release of your new book. Just get the damn thing done so we can go to it. This party I'm setting up later this month is actually going to be limited to fishing buddies and their families. I want to set up a float trip the next day so we need to make sure that there's room in all the boats for everybody. Whoever gets left behind on the float will not be left out as my good buddy will take them on a walk in trip way up in the river system. Either way, everybody will have fun.

Now who's wants to go???

Justin
President, Sauk River Steelhead Ranch

But what if the invited guest isnt even of legal drinking age!?!?...

...such as myself. The joys of youth!

Sparky,

We'll have to work something out for you, man. Let's see, hmmmmmmmmm, how about a virgin pina colada or a Shirley Temple?

Is that virgin Polynesian?

Ryan,
I'd say we get a caravan coming from the Twin Harbors area up to yonder shindig. Every eight or ten years or so I need to leave Deliverance and see the rest of the world. Hell, we might even be the party heros when we show up with the gizzard eating queen of the Brooklyn Tav. Now, she is talented!!!! Although, not quite the stunner you find at the Red Rooster.
Since you are underage and I'm officially a hooch abuser as set forth by Washington County , OR, standards, and am in official remmission, we could have a nice safe and sane caravan north.
Hey RT, someone said no farm animals. What kind of BS is that?!!! You mean we can't unpack the Luv Ewe...The official camp tramp of the Queeet's River Steelhead Camp (not OFFICIALLY endorsed by Northwest Flyfishing, but grandfathered in)? How about the Purple Helmeted Commander, always a conversation topic when used as a dining centerpiece at steelhead camp (comes out only when females are present or due too excessive hooch intake, someone takes a nappy-poo and the cameras and squeeze mayo are available....good stuff to have if you ever need a favor from a Queetzer camp member).

Hey C&D, sounds like you know how to party. I'm sure Pres KS will take note; I'm only the groundskeeper there. Bring a rod and some jigs - oh ya, and an ice cold keg of Kokanee if ya think of it on your way there. ... And if you can't get your criters thru Big Dave at the gate, just tie them to 'Yall's bumper. It's the '53 brown Buick Roadmaster with the "Walmart Rocks" and "Nice Tooth Babe" bumperstickers, plus 'Bama plates on it. He calls it his motorhome. If it's rockin don't be knockin - he prefers to be absolutely alone at that time.

RT
Clogged Spigot Technition (kegs only)
Sauk River Steelhead Ranch