Do you know why chickens don't ware underware?

Cause their pecker is on their head.

Three guys are standing in front of St Peter waiting to get into heaven. St Peter asks the first guy so how did you die.

The first guy says "Well I suspected my wife of having an afair so I came home early. When I walked in to my third floor apartment I knew something was up so I started looking around for the ******* that has been sleeping with my wife. Well I found him hanging off the balcony. I got so mad that I ran inside and grabbed a hammer and went out and pounded on his fingers. He fell off and landed on his back but he wasn't dead. I went back inside and grabbed the refrigerator, then threw it off the balcony to finish him off. The excitement and the physical exeertion caused me to have a heart attack and here I am.

"Well that is quite a story" says St Peter. Then he asks the second guy "So how did you get here?"

The second replies " Well I was working on the rood of this apartment building when I slopped and fell off. Luckily I was able to catch myself on a balcony when some maniac comes out pounds my fingers with a hammer. I fell off the building but I wasn't dead so the maniac goes back in side and throws a refrigerator out of the building and it lands on me and kills me.

"Well that is some story" then asks the third guy " how did you get here?"

the thrid guy replies "Well I was hiding in a refrigerator...

I'm having a little trouble reading this can someone help me. I already asked AuntyM and RT and they can't read it either

Governor Morehead. Has a nice 'ring' to it, ay Craven? Arkansas had one,
why not Washington?

That's what I give 'em. Gotta love those blonds.

Hey Stew, we know what you and Marsha have been up to. But I can read that just fine.
It says:

VERY IMPORTED BODY'S

"Decent medium bodies were stolen by we men who use translators to express we like to
saturate freely. We have contacted a nude simple whore in hind sight who comes shaking and blaring! It'll
make ya get naughty if these simple phlussies whack your position steadily. If you're treated well you'll blow
your mind!"

Geez, that's some kind of crude non-sense, I'd say. But I can see and read that as clear as Rock Creek in a drought!
And you know I'm a fishin master baiter, and if I couldn't see clear as day I'd get my hand hooked. Get a pair
of stronger glasses man.

For many years, 3 Irish brothers who would come to the pub every day and have a pint together. One day, 2 of the brothers left for the United States. To keep up the tradition, the remaining brother always came in at the same time, ordered 3 pints and set them on the table where his brothers would sit, then he would drink each pint, one for himself and one for each brother.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2 pints, set them on the table, and began to drink one of the pints. The bartender noticed the change in the ritual and figured something must have happened to one of the brothers in the States. The bartender came over to the brother and very solemly said, "I'm sorry about your loss. Which one of your brothers was it?"
The brother looked up at the bartender with a puzzled look saying, "what do you mean?"
"It's the 2 pints. You always get 3," the bartender replied.
"Nothin's happened to any of my brothers", he answered, "I decided to quit drinking."

710 cap...............

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and
asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's
a seven ten cap?"
> She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how,
and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said it's a
Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?" we asked.
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture
of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the
center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside
down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter.
>
> IF YOU NEED TO, WRITE IT DOWN ON PAPER

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then

guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was
(7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled
in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3).
You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied,"No, it's
not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

Why isn't Wal-Mart doing very well in Afghanistan?

All their stores have been turned into Targets.

...

Show me a guy you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, and I'll show you a guy with an eleven foot pole.

...

What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

...

So...

Why do cars park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

...

Two guys in a helicopter were flying around the Seattle area, when they found they were hopelessly lost. They flew up to the nearest building and the pilot held up a sign to the people in the office reading "Where are we?".

After a few minutes of consultation, the people inside held up a sign stating "In a helicopter".

With that bit of information, the pilot turned away and flew directly to the helipad they were looking for. Amazed, the passenger asked "How'd you know where we were with that answer?"

Smiling, the pilot said "When I received a totally correct answer to my question, but one that was absolutely worthless as far as helping me with my question, I knew we were outside the Microsoft Help Building..."

...

Fish on...

Todd.

> > A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
> > Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

>
>
>
>>Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving
more than 100%? We
>>have all been to those meetings where someone wants
over
100%. How about
>>achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might
prove
helpful. What
>>makes
>>life 100%?
>>
>>If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X
Y Z
>>
>>are represented as:
>>
>> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18
19 20
21 22 23 24 25
>>26.
>>
>>Then,
>> H A R D W O R K
>> 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
>>
>> K N O W L E D G E
>> 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
>>
>>But,
>> A T T I T U D E
>> 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
>>
>>And,
>> B U L L S H I T
>> 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
>>
>>So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge
will
get you close,
>>attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put
you
over the top.
>>
>>And look how far
>>
>> A S S K I S S I N G
>> 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
>>
>>will take you.



fp

Here's one for ya all.......
Still have not figured out how to make pix show up in the post yet, any help here would be greatly appreciated.
http://www.piscatorialpursuits.com/cgi-bin/pursuits/uploader.pl?action=view&epoch=1018758172

Here ya go Carl,

fp

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down having sex. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will make you do that.

THANKS! Fp.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.

Back in his inexperienced teenaged youth Rt and a couple of his buddies...not named Stew ventured into a house of prostitution each armed with a 10 spot. They approach the madam with the prospects of getting laid for $10 each. She says that something in that price range was not available at this time and to please come back in 1/2 hour. So after a half hours they return to seek out the same lady who suggested they come back later. She remembers the young lads and gives em the thumbs up for a $10 dollar frolick. RT the good man that he is chooses to bat cleanup allowing his friends to choose who goes first. The first buddy goes up to the room and comes down after 10 minutes. RT and the second buddy get a great report leaving the second guy eager to follow up. The second guy is up there for a full 15 minutes also followed by a thumbs up report. So that leaves RT ready for some action. He goes up to the room...withing 3 minutes he is running down the stairs all wide eyed and out of breath. The madam meets him at the bottom of the stair inquiring as why his state of panic...as he catches his breath he says..." I don't know what happened...I bit her [Bleeeeep!]...she farted and flew out the window!

FJ...out.

typical lawer.....

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him
out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the
Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10
million dollars is hidden.
The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"
The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

A woman walks into a store that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She spots one on the floor that she likes, and walks over to have a look. As she bends over to feel its' texture, she rips this tremendous fart. Immediately she stands up and looks around to see if anyone saw or heard her. As she turns around, she comes face to face with one of the salesmen.
He asks her, "Is there anything I can help you with today ma'am?"
Extremely flustered, she replies, "Er,uh, this is a lovely rug. How much does it cost?"
The salesman pauses for a moment and then tells her, "Lady, just touching this rug caused you to fart. I'm afraid if I tell you the price, you will sh1t your pants!"

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession
starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes
off his cap, and bows his head. The procession
crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap,
picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."