My fellow Americans:

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American Forces from Iraq. This action will be concluded within 30 days.

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is VERY short:
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists to all parties later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List # 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people will no longer pour money into third world
hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France!

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we have at home.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?
Try France, or maybe China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces
there. Big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with
France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades.
We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets, to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this.

Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beemers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.

I love New York---.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry
divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm going put em? Yep,
border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty---starting today.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own
citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer
them by saying "darn tootin'." Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us
the undying enmity of just about everyone.

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Thank you and good night.