I bought a new Ford F350 and returned to the dealer yesterday
> because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained
> that the radio was voice activated.
>
> "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied,
> "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again"
> came from the speakers.
>
> Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My
> Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
>
> I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
> "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
> "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
>
> Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
> truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "*ss Holes!"
>
> Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane
> Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The
> Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan
> Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on
> spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
>
> Daymn, I LOVE this truck!

THIS WILL HELP YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF!



If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; your confidence will be restored!
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(On
September 17, 1994,
Alabama's Heather
Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question:
If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields,

during an interview to become spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign .

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GO Blue!
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas

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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .'
-- Dan Quayle

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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca

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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .

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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A Woman's Perfect Day


8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses


8:30 Weigh-in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday


8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;open presents- expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner


9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil


10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer


10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave


12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe


12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs


1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit


3:00 Nap


4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer


4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body


5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe


7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers


10:00 Hot shower- alone


10:50 Carried to bed. freshly ironed, crisp, white linen


11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling


11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



A Man's Perfect Day


6:00 Alarm


6:15 Blow job


6:30 Massive, satisfying [censored] while reading the sports section


7:00 Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot


7:30 Limo arrives


7:45 Several beers en route to the airport


9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet


9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)


9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)


11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon


12:15 Blow job


12:30 Play back nine (4 under)


2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)


2:30 Fly to Bahamas


3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot


4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle


5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson


6:45 [censored], shower and shave


7:00 Watch news-Michael Jackson assassinated


7:30 Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits


9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies


11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer


11:30 Night-cap blow job


11:45 In bed alone


11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room


11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

GRANDPA AND THE I.R.S.


Never under estimate OLD People!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.


The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.


I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable .


I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.


Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye. Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.


Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win..


But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


Are you okay?' the auditor asks.


'Not really,' says the attorney.. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Bank Loan Joke :

A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for
> the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield
> on business for four weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
> depositor of the bank.
>
> The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security
> for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
>
> The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced
> the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
> car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%
> interest.
>
> Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at
> the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
> $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's
> underground garage and parked it.
>
> Four weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest
> of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
> business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
> little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
> are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
> $5,000?'
>
> The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City , can I park my
> car for four weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly
as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'

What do you call three naked blondes standing on there heads?
.

.
.

.

.

..
A redhead and two brunettes

JG!

How do you know when you are through having sex with a redhead?















She unties you.

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.


But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage,


would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot'

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says "My body hurts, wherever I touch it. It's agony."
"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast,
and screams, then she pushes her elbow, and screams
in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on
her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more
screams, and everywhere she touches, makes her
scream.
Doctor says, "you're not really a redhead are you?"
Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
I thought so", the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.


After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,

'Do you know what I am doing?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'

'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

'Do you know what I am doing now?'

he asked.

'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'

'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place.'

Proper Grammar

On a man's 66th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his
wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
Native American reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile dysfunction. The man drove to the reservation, handed his
certificate to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion,
handed it to the patient, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is
powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and
then immediately say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly
than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long
as you want."

The patient was encouraged.. As he walked away, he turned
and asked, "How does one stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man
responded,"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' But when she does, the medicine
will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife
to join him in the bedroom . When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was
excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was
the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition, or...
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

The History of Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call
for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to
New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was
so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year
on May 5th and is known, of course, as SinkodeMayo.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well".

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"









The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Dorothy and Ed met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. During the next couple of weeks Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.


And so.... on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'

'I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added, 'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.

A Chinese dude walks into the optometrists office for an eye exam and his doctor says, "Hey, looks like you have a cataract!", The Chinese man replies suavly, "No I don't, I drive a rinkin-contanenter."

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Buddy would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’

‘No,’ she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’

‘Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

’The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ’Why yes sir, this is a union house. ‘We observe all union rules.’

The man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’

‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.’ ‘That’s more like it!’ the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

‘I’d like her,’ he said.

‘I’m sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she’s next.’

NOW YOU Know what’s wrong with the AUTO industry.

And why they want a BAILOUT.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his... She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .















Wait for it.

It's coming. .


























The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

















































She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

The owner of the sex shop was training the new clerk about store policies, procedures and pricing.

"The only unmarked items are the dildos behind the counter. The white ones are $10 and the black ones are $25. Everything else in the store has a price on it. I have to run some errands, so I'll be back in an hour or two."

Things went smoothly for about an hour until a customer asked about the dildos.

"How much are the dildos?"

"$10 for the white ones, $25 for the black ones."

"OOOHHH! How much for the plaid one!?!"

Thinking quickly the clerk replied, "$200.00."

"I'LL TAKE IT!!!"

An hour later the owner returned and asked how things had gone.

"Great. I wound up selling 5 white dildos and ten black dildos. I also got $200 for your thermos."