I've moved into my "own" place, and as a father now responcible for raising two daughters 3.5 days a week I feel it is my duty to employ a set of rules around the house that is free from the vaginated version the rest of our emasculated society seems to have bought off on.

Rule #1). If you want the toilet seat seat down, put it down yourself and DO NOT biatch at me for leaving it up.

Feel free to add rules as you see fit.

Rule # 2) I can't hear you if your crying and squealing.. your moms the one who reacts to that tactic.. your dealing with Dad.. remember ?

Rule #3) 5 minute maximum time limit per person on any given phone conversation. Get the point across and hang up.

Rule #4) 30 minute maximum time limit per person on all combined calls on any given evening.

Rule #5) Used femine hygene products are to be treated like nuclear waste: Disposed of sight unseen.

Fair is fair. I'm not going to raise them to be someone else's pain in the ass.

Which rule tips you over? The toilet seat?

Shame on you.

The "man-rules" name as a as a topic is meant to be humorous, which is obviously lost on you.

Girls raised by a man who lowers the seat for them learn to expect that from men when thry grow up, which is a feminist point of contingency. If this upsets you you are part of the problem.

I thought we were joking. I like women. I am married to one. She is pretty cool.

My Grandpa was a sage old man.. two things he told me as a kid will remain with me forever.

1> Women.. they have half the money and all the pussy in the world
2> The reason it has hair on it is so you can't see the hook

I found a Playboy magazine in my dads house one time when I was a kid, and my grandpa was the only home at the time so I took the magazine to him and open it to the centerfold and asked him what a pu$$y was. He was doing a crossword puzzle at the time, so he took his pen and drew a circle around the centrfolds pu$$y and said, everything inside that circle was a pu$$y.

Then I asked him what a cun% was. He said, everything outside the circle.

At the age they are at Tim, I say focus more on the fun than the rules. Make your time with them enjoyable and take advantage of the opportunities that WILL arise for teaching and discipline when they come up, don't make it your M.O. Think about all the things you have always wanted to do with your girls, and start spending all your time with them doing it.

I'm totally on board with that, Riley. This thread was meant to add some timely levity to rough times for my amusement. I haven't burdened my little girls with any baggage and I do not intend to.

I have no children but I do find the humor in this thread especially B-Runs grandpa's little diddy. Yours was pretty funny too Sol.-T :

I could not agree more, and that statement goes to the heart of my original intent for this thread. Can you say parody?

Lighten up, Aunty.

Rule #6. Shut the dangfridge door after getting Daddy his beer. Because a Cold One isn't a Cold One if it's not COLD!

PS. I love watching my two kids argue/bicker/whine over who gets to get Daddy a beer out of the little Beer Fridge in our kitchen!

I usually end up with a compromised solution. EACH OF YOU can get Daddy a beer!

Ok, then.
Rule #7. When it's that time of the month, you win a free pass to stay at mom's house until next week.

If you lived here I would probably send you some flowers Aunty. As women go, your O.K I now when I'm being an ass, and I contain it almost always.. ummmm ??? maybe

Rule #8!!!!

(also applies to household chores, cooking, cleaning, etc. Oh yeah, and that martini better be SHAKEN and not stirred, too!)

I wish I was gay. You broads are a pain in the ass to deal with no matter how you slice it.

Women.. the day they stop bitching at you its because they are doing some other guy, and they will be bitching at him soon enough

"I wish I was gay."

Grow your hair down to your shoulders, curl it up, dye it blonde, and get some earrings...

Uh...wait a minute there...

More levity for this post, brought to you by me.

Fish on...

Todd

You'd be first on my hit list if I was, bromo.

Joke. I can barely tollerate Todd as a friend.

This could be a fun thread.....

When I ask you "what's wrong" and then you say "nothing...." then there is nothing wrong.
Don't come back an hour (or 2 days later) and tell there was something wrong.

We don't read minds and don't pretend to read minds....

When we call your name....that means gett your a$$ down here, front and center.
Don't say "What?" from the next room or from your bedroom....I didn't call your name out just to hear it out loud.

With a friend like me, who needs an enemy?

Fish on...

Todd

Oh my god...you owe me a new keyboard...theres coffee everywhere!

Blondbud.

Fallwell's Right in the graveyard at midnight after I dig him up.
I'm a bad man.

Stam, just to help him through this dry spell

Oh, no. If you were a gay guy?

I'm pretty sure that's going to lead to some clowning coming my way.

I always wanted to skull-fuc% TK.

Kudo's to Stamenella---you did a darn good job, great girls! I think they will accually contribute to this world!

I thought Blondebud was working me?

Here's a couple posters for the new living room.

#11 dont stand in front of the tube when the games on dusting .

#12 If get a "boyfriend" before you turn 18 make sure he can outrun the shot from my 12 guage.

Does your brother suck dick too?

Florida? That answers my question.

You can be a good sport at times.

Rule # avid....NEVER get married.

Several years ago, I found this in a Walla Walla phone book of all places, so I photo copied it and have had it ever since. Have to say these are pretty accurate...although one time I was in a cranky mood and used #1. That was BAD scene.


Rules that Men Wished Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; it it's up, put it down.

3. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Sunday = football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8. Shopping is not a sport.

9. You have enough clothes.

10. You have too many shoes.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

14. Headaches lasting 17 days are a problem. See a doctor.

15. Your mother doesn't have to be our best friend.

16. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissable in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

17. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other.

18. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

19. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, but not both.

20. Please confine your talking to commercials.

I can't believe this wasnt run up the flag pole???
Like how long could that have lasted

Small boats are easy to row.

Funny the Gay thing comes up. Buddie Doug ( many of you have meet him.. bald guy who can drink any three people under the table ) Anyway, he has a brother.. I never meet him before. He does not talk about him much. Some how he mentioned him I and said his name was " Courtney ".. So I'm thinking that sounds a little bit gay.. so I said " Dude, your brothers name is Courtney ??" WTF is that.. " Well, his real name is Bill, but he changed his name to Courtney"... O.K, dont just leave it at that.. tell me the rest of the story.. Turns out, Courtney is beyond gay.. he is two toy poodles in a purse gay.. no fooling.. takes them with him everywhere he goes.. I mean sparks flying out his ass gay. I have actually not seen him, because when he come into town they kinda keep him on the down low

So, here the part that will interest you. He moved to Seattle.. why ??? because he has Aids, and I guess if you have Aids Washington state is a good place to be because the state takes real good care of you with all the medicine and whatever that they need.

This gay thing is disturbing... I'm begining to wonder about some of you, and how many times you've seen RENT!

I'm so not gay I eat my hot-dogs like corn on the cob, dude.

This thread just gets more and more funny every time I look at it...

Fish on...

Todd

Do you eat them plain or in the buns.

Without chewing?

The ? is can he get enough Staminher

Staminaether--I know that guy!

If you eat your hot dogs like I've seen you eat corn on the cobb, you suck the skin clean off!

Neal, Stam, and Parker are on the floor, rolling around in pain, from laughing so hard.

Actually, I just have to say two words to get me cracking up: Skok Bomber.

I should have filmed that.

Get me drunk and slip me a couple vicodin over a good bowl of greenbud and I do stupid shi% like deepthroat a corn on the cob for my buddies to laugh at. I swear I saw a kernel of corn come flying out of Stams nose, either that or the corner of his eye.

I'm not above doing anything for a laugh.

I'm checking youtube for that one..

He could have won many awards for style and apparent hunger
I think I puked that night....

You better loosen the lap belt on your booster seat, I think it's starting to cut off your circulation.

gaper