Two therapists were having lunch when one said to the other "I had a terrible Freudian slip with my wife at breakfast this morning."
The other therapist asked "What happened."
the first says "I meant to ask her to pass the butter for my toast."
"What did you actually say?"

"Bitch, you really fukked up my life."

A small zoo in Washington state, near Forks, obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to service her.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of KK Irie, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. KK Irie, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. KK was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500?

KK showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First," KK said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," KK Irie said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," KK said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500."

A young newlywed elementary school teacher was trying to get her class to remember her new, married name, as they were constantly calling her by her maiden name. She drew a picture of a cat on the blackboard and addressed the class by saying, "Class, I've got an easy way to remember my new name . It sounds like pussy cat, but the second letter is an "R", so you say it Prussy. It's very simple."
The next day she asked her students if they remembered her new name. They all looked confused as they tried to think of how she told them to remember, until little Charlie's face brightened up and his hand shot into the air.Relieved, she called, "Yes, Charlie?"
Smiling smugly at his classmates' failure, and his own genius, he proudly pronounced her name as,"Mrs. Crunt!"

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer replies, "Yes!" The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG !!!, shoots him in the head and kills him! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man,"Did you see me rob this bank?"The man calmly responds ... "No, but my wife did."

An elderly man and woman were sitting together eating lunch at a nursing home. The topics of long since passed spouses comes up. After a while they began discussing what they missed about their former letationships. The woman says, "I sure do miss cuddling in the evening by the fire." The man replies, "I miss sex, what I miss more than anything was her holding my penis." After a while the conversation came to a close. the man says, "would you mind holding my penis? I am not asking for anything other than that." The woman thinks about it for awhile and finally aggrees.

Several weeks go by and they routinely meet on the fronch porch and she holds his penis while they talk.

One day she sees him with another woman next to him on the front porch. She become very jellous and approuches the situation. She angrily asks, "what does she have that I don't?" He replies.....




















"Parkinsons"

Pants vs Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, And said, 'Here - try these on'.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

' Hmmm,' said Mike.. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here - you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

A man goes out fishing by himself out in puget sound and never returns. his wife files a missing person report with the local authorities. several weeks later a sherriff knoks on her door and she answers. the officer tells her he has some good news and some bad news. she asks for the bad news first. the officer says that they have found her husbands body at the bottom of the sound in about 60 feet of water and that they had recovered the body but that it was covered with shrimp and crabs and that it was in bad shape. the wife then asked for the good news. the officer replied, we are pulling him up again tomorrow and that she is invited to the seafood feast.

Just saw these two and thought you might enjoy . . .

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis..."

====================================

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

$7 SEX


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

T he next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Try not to get too scared while reading this.....



A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...



BUMP..



BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP....


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP..


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,


The coffin stops!!!



Happy Halloween

TWO OLD MEN AND A WITCH


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,....'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'


THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'


'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'


HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. .. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

A BUS DRIVER'S NIGHTMARE

A nun got on a bus and sits behind the driver. She tells the bus driver she needs someone to talk to, lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.

The bus driver agrees, but the nun explains she can't have sex with anyone who is married, because it would be a sin. The bus driver says "No Problem... I'm not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin. So she'll have to take it up the a$$.

The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on the bus. They go to the back of the bus, and takes care of business.

When they were done and he resumed driving. The bus driver said "Sister. I have a confession to make.

I'm married and have three kids."

The nun replies, " That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is John and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Happy Post Halloween!

Horny old Japanese women use these to lure young ninjas into the boudoir ....... these make them "miso horny".......

How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...




******************************************




My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



******************************************




Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



******************************************




I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



*****************************************




My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...



******************************************




When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...



******************************************




After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



******************************************




My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



******************************************




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...



******************************************




A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

There is one over eager family in every neighborhood........with a smarter one next door.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

Now Thats funny.

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it was old. You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy ..

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

What on earth did you say to them?' asks Nancy .

I just knocked on the door and, when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.

HOW TO SING THE BLUES ... by Stretch Melon Clinton



1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you
stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman -
with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she
weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any
place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression.
Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with
male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not
the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less
you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way
to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of
Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it.
I don't care