Heard on Deadliest Catch.....yeah I watch every once in a while:

"Women should remember that when they leave Alaska they are considered ugly again".

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Radio




Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest
Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now
and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this
was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Best joke I have read in a long time.

Could this be the ultimate blonde story?





Three women go down to
Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk,
and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair
and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I
just graduated from Trinity
Bible
College and believe in the
almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the
innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for
forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her
last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School
of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on
the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again
they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for
forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and
says, "Well, I'm from UCLA and just graduated
with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell
ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody
if you don't plug this thing in.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mommy and her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh ! God, I’m coming!”

“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

The nun fainted.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying
That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

SO yesterday I was making a bait tray for my ice chest, and was drilling a few drainage holes in the tray. Upon completion, I was showing off my creation to my girlfriend when she exclaimed, "How'd you drill the holes so good?"(perfect *computer aided* grid)

I shot back, "Because I'm good at drillin' holes!"

She must not have gotten it... she didn't laugh.

A marine is finally coming home on leave from Iraq. As he gets seated he cannot help but notice that the two other people sitting sext to him are Arab males. The Marine decides to relax and takes off his shoes.

After the plane takes off the Arab man sitting on the inside of him asks if he could squeeze by to the isle in order to get a coke. The marine responds; "Stay seated buddy I am more than happy to get it for you." As the marine is getting the coke the Arab man spits in his shoe. The marine finally comes back and hands him his coke.

About an hour passes and the other arab man sitting by the window asks if he could squeeze by to go get a coke. The marine replies;"I got it my friends", and promptly jumps up to get the man a coke. While the marine is gone the other Arab man spits in his other shoe. After a short time the marine returns with the coke.

As the plane lands the marine slips on his shoes and immediatly realizes what had happened. The marine leans over and says; "You know this is getting so old, When will this ever end?" One of the arab men ask; "what are you talking about?" with a smirk on his face.

The Marine replies; "you know, all of this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes.

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
"First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
"I'm entering," says Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

Little Johnny is sitting in his history class one monday morning.

Teacher says to the class, "Ok kids, on Thursday we will be having a quiz on the battle of the Alamo. If you answer my question correctly, you can have Friday off for a three day weekend."

Little Johnny is stoked for a three day weekend. Fishing, shooting frogs, etc. He spends all week studying on the battle of the Alamo.

Thursday morning comes, and Little Johnny knows everything about the battle of the Alamo.

Teacher says, "Ok kids, here is the first question. In what state is the Alamo currently located?"

Little Johnny is shocked at how easy the question is. He raises his hand, but the teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the front row. Little Juan jumps up and says, "Texas."

Teacher says, "Very good Juan, have a great three day weekend."
Johnny is pissed! Such an easy question.

Teacher sasy, "Ok kids, second question. In what year was the battle of the Alamo fought?"

Johnny is again shocked at the easy question. He quickly raises his hand and waves it at the teacher.

The teacher however, calls on a little mexican girl in the front row. Little Juanita stands up and yells out, "1835!" Teacher says, "Very good Juanita, have a great three day weekend."

Johnny is pissed! Another easy question.

Teacher says, "Ok kids, last question. Who was the leader of the Mexican Army at the battle of the Alamo?"

Johnny is so excited that he knows the answer. He again quickly raises his hand and begins waiving it at the teacher.

Teacher calls on a little mexican boy sitting in the second row. Little Miguel stands up and yells out, "Santa Anna!"
Teacher says, "Very good Miguel, have a great three day weekend."

Little Johnny is so pissed! He blurts out, "Where the F*** did all these mexicans come from?"

Teacher says, "Who said that?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Davy Crockett did bitch, see you on Monday!"

Praying for Leroy


"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.





Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."




Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.



After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"




Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants"

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his
own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to
be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600,
and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in
Aspen, Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California . There
is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I
cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back."

Why men don't write advice columns


Dear Joe The Advice Guy:
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine
conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I
am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become very distant. He won't go
to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps!

Joe

A new classic:

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina?

Only sometimes what comes out of her vagina is retarded.

Wow!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
> >
> > After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman
> >
> > asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
> >
> >
> >
> > The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
> >
> > He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
> >
> > than let liquor touch my lips."
> >
> >
> >
> > The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
>

Cold blooded!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-CXwgifA4U

I almost pissed my pants watching this video. Once the ride is complete, and the mom is laughing uncontrollable....at the kid......priceless.....