Oh god that is awesome seastrike...Best joke I've heard in a while...

HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

A couple was invited to a Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He protested, but she said there was no need of his good time being spoiled.

After taking an aspirin and sleeping for an hour, the wife awakened without pain and decided to go the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have fun seeing how he acted when she wasn't around. She soon spotted her husband dancing and flirting with all
the women.

The wife started flirting back and eventually he whispered a proposition in her ear. They went outside to one of the cars and had a good time. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, hid her costume and got into bed. When he got home she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "You know I never have much fun when you're not there."

She asked: "Did you dance much?"

He said: "I never even danced once. Pete and me and some other guys went in the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to
do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"....

The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on
to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up
to
Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland
and
Superior. Then back down through Hayward, Rice Lake, Balsam Lake,
Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back
over
to Milwaukee.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Minnesota license
plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:


Brett Favre is Gay.
Hillary in 2008.
Deer hunting is murder.
Go Vikings!

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."


Relaxing, and with a satisfied smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty!"

3-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before
she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front
of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets
to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling
the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the
convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.


'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want
those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up
Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: [censored] might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there
Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow
came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of [censored] is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep [censored], it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course.

Very nice WRO!

Falwell and Larry Craig will hate the guy from Boston..........
well, Craig might want a bathroom break with him............






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A90aJC7wW4

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked

for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Signed: Abby

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

A young man on acid walked into a dentist's office and said, " Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"Yes, I know," the man said.
The dentist asked, "So then why did you come in here?"
The man replied, "The light was on."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute.

Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the
alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.




The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it.
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

Bush: Mis-Leading the country.

Bush: From bad to worse.

Bush: LOL

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met , but, somehow, now it's my fault."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'