Polish guy walks into a bar,holds his hand out and says " Look what I almost stepped in!"

BTW I'm not Polish

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm that's shorter than the other? A speech impediment .

Why blondes don't eat bananas? They can't find the zipper.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say
"Happy Birthday"
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out
she barely said good morning
let alone
"happy birthday"

I thought...
Well,
That's marriage for ya...
But the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word
so when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent

As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
"Good morning boss, and by the way,
Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock
when jane knocked on my door and said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch... Just you and me?"
I said, "Thanks Jane, That's the greatest
Thing I've heard all day! Let's go..."

We went to lunch
but we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said "You know, it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
It's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment
I'll be right back."

Ok, I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of
my friends and co-workers, all singing
"Happy birthday"

And I just sat there...



On the couch....



Naked.

Have you heard about the 5 kinds of Sex ?
The 1st is the when you first meet kind. some call it jungle sex, where your'e so hot for each other you do it the car, the bathroon, the kitchen table, etc.
The 2nd is the after you're married sex, you know with the scented candles, the sexy negeliges and the silk sheets.
The 3rd is the after the baby is born kind, SHHHH!!! you'll wake up the baby!!
The 4th kind is where you pass each other in the hallway and yell F---k YOU!! at each other.
And the 5th kind is where she drags you into a courtroom and F---ks you in front of a room full of strangers.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? FULL

Jeramy Stevens!!!!

Guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks half and pours the other half on his hand. He does this six times more throughout the evening.
Finally, the curious bartender asks him "Why do you keep pouring your beer on your hand?"
The guy replies "Oh, I'm trying to get my date drunk"

I saw my dad pull this one off so many times when I fished with him as a kid. I always knew he would use it sometime during the day, especially if we were fishing with newbies.
As we would approach a good hole, the old man would say "God, we killed them in here last year". Most the time the person would ask what we were using to catch the fish. The old man would reply "Pussyfors". Almost every time, the person would reply, "What's a Pussyfor?" My dad would then reply, "you dumbass, you don't know what a pussy's for?"

While I was in boot camp, we were lined up for inspection, with the drill sergeant walking up and down the ranks, performing his inspection when one recruit let go a tremendously loud fart. Everybody was struggling to maintain their state of attention and be serious, when another guy in the back says "Lt. Who?"....
Everybody, including the drill sergeant lost it.. Funny! But then the sarge got control and dropped us all for 50 pushups. Easiest 50 pushups I ever did!

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary :


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary :

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some
sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat
something in order to keep up my strength. The only
thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In
an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on
the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this
would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However,
they merely made condescending comments about what a
"good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of
assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the
event. However, I could hear the noises and smell
the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I
was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate
one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as
he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that
the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released - and seems to be more than willing to
return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got
to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports
my every move. My captors have arranged protective
custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...

An elderly couple went on vacation to the Holylands. While on vacation the wife died. The husband went to the local mortuary to arrange a funeral. The men at the funeral home told him it would cost $50,000 dollars to box her up and ship her home. They told him It would only cost $100 to bury her in the holylands.

The men from the funeral home asked what the man wanted to do with his wife of 50 years. He told them to box her up and prepare her for shipment home. The men from the funeral home were shocked. They ask the elderly man why he would pay so much to send her home.

The old man replied.............. " A long time ago a wise man died and was burried here. Later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then
she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her
scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline:

President Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best
way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!
That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas
would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some
ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he
must serve a tour in the military.

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour,
he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution
for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle
or ammo. Problem solved.

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to
attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice. "It's those big baggy
swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool...They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes
too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new
tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "Now, what's wrong
.. this ain't workin'?"

Good gosh, Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into achair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a
healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that
the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my
luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an
adult movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the
money and there was this white guy also involved in the movie, what else
could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was
a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her
to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the
rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for
that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling
that she was going to bark."