There was this fella who painted all the outside walls of his house, but he didn't really have enough paint, so he kept watering it down with paint thinner in order to cover all the surfaces. And then, alas, before the paint had dried, there was a terrible storm and lots and lots of rain, so the paint all washed off. And then a deep, loud, shattering, thundering voice came out of the clouds, saying: "REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"

Easter

3 Blondes

Three blondes (Natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder .

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"

"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither!

I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me sh!t!"

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank.

He went to the chicken coop and replaced all the eggs with brightly colored Easter eggs.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the Colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

A man walks into his living room and is shocked to find his 20-year-old daughter using a vibrator on herself. She tells her dad, "I'm sorry dad, but I'm ugly, fat, and can't find a man, so this machine is going to be my partner for the rest of my life."

The next day the daughter walks into the living room to find her father holding her vibrator in one hand and a beer in the other hand. She asks him "what's going on?" He answers, "I just thought I'd have a beer with my son-in-law."

Farmer John had an old rooster that was under performing in the henhouse. He decided to buy a new younger rooster in hopes of increasing his flock.
When the new rooster arrived, the old one walked up to him and stated, I know you are younger and in better shape than I am, but I am a proud rooster. Could we make it look like I fought to keep my job? The young rooster quickly agreed, knowing that he could defeat the old rooster in any contest. The old rooster said they should race for 10 laps around the henhouse.
When the race started the old rooster surprisingly got out to an early lead. After four laps he was still ahead, but the young rooster was finally gaining on him.
Then a shot rang out and the young rooster collapsed in a pile of feathers. You could hear the farmer tell his wife. Gol dang it Emmy thats the last rooster we buy from Ferguson, four of them this month and all of them have all been gay.

from the Mako Slayer...........




Let us drink off the same tab like brothers.
Because I think I can drink more than you.


Insert a drink here.
And I’ll stop staring at you.


Shut your lip and order us a nip.
You’re much prettier when I have a drink in my hand.


I’m going to scam drinks like a bandito.
Tab? I don’t need no stinkin’ tab.


Step up to bat.
It’s your round.


I’m marking your round score.
You’re getting shut out, tightwad.


Too much talk, not enough drinking.
Dude, you’re bringing down the whole party.


One on the cuff, old chum?
Just one. Promise.


I’m nursing a hangover.
If you talk too loud it will bite me.


Take the shot, champ!
Order me one too.


I think you owe me a drink.
You remember, couple weeks ago when you were blacked out.


Let’s get this guy to buy us a drink.
Do you remember his name?


Thanks for buying me a drink.
I will now retract my claws of death.


I’ve been waiting for a drink so long I’m growing a beard.
I will use it to strangle the bartender.


You call the shot.
I will follow you to tequila hell, my captain.


Let’s do a round.
What name is your tab under?


You will look more attractive if you buy us shots.
It’s like instant plastic surgery.


I will buy the next round.
After you buy this one. Beer Scouts’ honor.


We’ve got a wide open drink tab.
So long as you agree to sleep with the barmaid.


Let us spring up out of our sober shells.
We will soar like drunken eagles.


I’m putting on the beer goggles and going in.
For God’s sake, stop me.


I need some personal space.
You stay here, I’m going to a different bar.


Alcohol has twisted my tongue.
Nothing I say is true. But I really like you.


I may get arrested tonight.
Would you like to be an accomplice or a victim?


No drinkie for you.
Your fun meter has run out.


I would like to take that last shot out of my stomach.
And I might.


If I do one more shot I will vomit.
So make it a good one.


I’m going to make room for another round.
Bring me a bucket.


I have erased my brain.
I am no longer responsible. For anything.


If I walk now, I’ll fall down.
So I’m going to sit here and drink.


I intend to get four sheets to the wind.
And I need your help.


I am four sheets to the wind.
I will now sail away to Blackout Island.


The USS Drunkard is sinking and I’m going down with the ship.
Please don’t step on me.


I need parental guidance.
Will you be my mommie?


I’m collecting for the tab.
Never mind how much, just give me your wallet.


Time to make like Bugs Bunny.
Let’s go bar hopping.

haha funny shiat guys, i love those hand signals

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely yours, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Here's an old one I really like.

John came down with a very painful inflamation of his penis after a long weekend in the Hong Kong. He immediately went to a urinologist who told him he had caught a very rare asian venerial disease. "I am sorry," he said, " but there is no known cure. The only thing we can do is cut it off." John, scared to death asked if there was anything at all he could do. "well," he said, "there is a really good Asian Naturopathic Doctor down the street that might be able to help. Since he is from the area and deals with unconventional methods, maybe he can come something else." John immediately makes an appointment and visits the Asian Doctor, Dr. Huen. The Dr. Heun looks him over and says, "you have caught a very bad case of Hong Kong V. D. Have you visited your normal doctor yet? I bet they told you they would have to cut it off, didn't they?"
" Yes, he did!" John replied.
" oh those stupid american doctors." Dr. Huen laughed. "All they want to do is chop, chop, chop... Look, "he says, " all you have to do is wait three weeks. It will drop off all by itself."

The Elevator

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds e ach, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Girl's Biker Bar A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.



He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"



The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:



1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.



Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....

This one is a variation on my joke previously posted about pollocks.. Read the whole thread before you post... It's OK, good jokes have a life of their own....

Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black,
were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck
up a conversation.


The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"


The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."


The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"


Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."


The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"


The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."


So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.


"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.


The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"


I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything
I see."


Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back
and started humping away".


The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"


The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
>toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
>"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
>heaven?"
>
> Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
>and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
>comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
>
> Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
>adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
>started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
>
> The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
>there stood Grandma's minister.
>
> The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
>
> The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
>boyfriend."

To eliminate confusion, it has become apparent that some of you don't know the difference between a camel toe and a moose knuckle.



This is a camel toe:





and THIS is a moose knuckle:

Oh My God.. That image will Never go away! Th anks Mingo!

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
> > straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know,
> > I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
> > have a job."
> >
> > The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
> > timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
> > very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
> > bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
> > You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
> > supply all of your clothes.
> > Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
> > You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
> > holiday trips.
> > You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
> > You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
> > garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."
> > The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bullshittin' me!"
> > The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started
> > it."

Makes me want to sing the Canadian National Anthem..."Oh Canada!!!!"