One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-
attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the
devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that
all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've
got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ
saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and
finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . .
















"OK, Monica you're free to go now"

i only know one good one...hope i dont get in trouble

How do you piss your wife off Twice?

Fu@K her in the arse, and wipe you di#k on the curtian!

Hypnotism, a dangerous tool.


A Woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?'
the husband asks, 'What happened?' His wife replies, 'Margie referred me
to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat' I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I
do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone!'
'Well, that is wonderful.'
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the
bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bath
room and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'Boy that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move!
I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and
round two! It was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and
her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right
back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife qu ietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife. She's
not my wife. She's not my wife!'
His funeral service was last Saturday.

What happens when you go to the casino, get drunk, and pass out in the parking lot?



You wake up with a muckled chute!

What does Michael jackson and Cavier have in common?
They both come on a little white cracker


A man wakes up after a hard nights drinking and sees he has 3 rings on his dick. One pink ring, and 2 brown ones. He rushes to the doctors office and asks the doc what they are. The doc says the first one is lip stick, relieved the man lets out a sigh. The doc says the second one is poop, the man says well that might not be bad. Then the doc says the third on is copenhagen...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" ; The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Not a joke, but a girl I was helping yesterday had a bumper sticker that said;

If your dick was as big as your mouth I'd be happy!

Two families moved from Afghanistan to Seattle.........................


When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet…in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met at Starbucks...

The first man said, "My son is playing baseball for Newport High School, is shortstop, with berry berry quick arm and also, heavy power batting! Also, I had "Mickey D's" breakfast, compete with Apple Pie like all true Americans. Now, I will finish thees "Starbuck" over priced yuppie beverage before I head out to pick up case of Bud Light. I am so f'ing AMERICAN Lee Greenwood writes patriotic songs to my SCROTUM! So......... how about you?"

The second man replied…

"Suck my D---, towel head."

Ah, George Carlin's 2007 Rules.


New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?


New Rule #3: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule #4: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule #5: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule #6: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #7: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #10: I don't need bigger, mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule #11: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months (e.g. 27 Months.) "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.



A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.



The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!



"That must've been scary", said the teacher.



"It sure was", said the little girl.



"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...



And before my kitty could say "F**k!, the Rottweiler ate him!"

DYNA_MITE

THE BODY BUILDER TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THE BLONDE SAYS, WHAT A GREAT CHEST YOU HAVE. HE TELLS HER, THAT'S 100 LBS. OF DYNAMITE, BABY.
HE TAKES OFF HIS PANTS AND THE BLONDE SAYS, WHAT MASSIVE CALVES YOU HAVE. THE BODY BUILDER TELLS HER,
THAT'S 100 LBS.OF DYNAMITE, BABY.
HE THEN REMOVES HIS UNDERWEAR AND THE BLONDE GOES RUNNING OUT OF THE APARTMENT SCREAMING IN FEAR.
THE BODY BUILDER PUTS HIS CLOTHES BACK ON AND CHASES AFTER HER.


HE CATCHES UP TO HER AND ASKS WHY SHE RAN OUT
OF THE APARTMENT LIKE THAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, I WAS AFRAID TO BE AROUND ALL THAT DYNAMITE WHEN I SAW HOW SHORT THE FUSE WAS!

A heads up for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th , 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also September 1st, 8th, twice on the 11th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend, providing I can get some more wallets by then.

So be careful!

Is that you merg???

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

A little girl hops up on Santa Claus's lap and proceeds to tell him her list of toys she wants for Christmas.

When she gets to the end of her list, she says she wants a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.

Santa looks at her with his joyful eyes and says, "My little girl, Barbie doesn't come with G.I. Joe, she comes with Ken."

To which the little girl promptly replies, "Oh no, she fakes it with Ken, she cums with G.I. Joe!!!"

How many times does 18 go into 54?


A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."


When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference

- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow .

So a guy gets hit by a pickup in an intersection and a midget hops out of the pickup and says "I'm not happy"., and the other guy answers "Then which one are you"?

I love it when our mods join in the fun times....

Jeez 23k+ views? Is this some sort of record???