You jnow this gentleman has really zeroed in on a whole lot of BS going on with habitat.



Road projects create the legend of the paper salmon

Pat Neal

The Daily World

As goodwill ambassadors of the tourist industry, it is our civic duty to share our precious local knowledge of the Olympic Peninsula with our foreign visitors in a manner that celebrates the diversity of our heritage and the promise of our vibrant future.


Answering tourist questions gives the locals an opportunity to enrich the visitor experience in a manner that fosters a greater understanding of the ecosystem as a whole and the management of our natural resources for the benefit of us all.


If you can fake that, you may have a future in the tourist industry. Until they ask a question like “why do loggers wear suspenders?” — triggering a regrettable relapse in my anger management program.


Often tourists will ask, “Where is the rainforest?” when they are standing in the middle of it. Or they will ask, “How deep is the river?” When it’s common knowledge by now that all of our rivers are constructed to a specific depth that is maintained by government agencies throughout the length of the stream the whole year round. Or should be.


Often, by answering tourist questions in a sincere and compassionate manner, it is possible to lay to rest deep-seated anxieties that haunt our visitors.That was the case of a recent tourist who confided their belief that the Olympic Peninsula was a dangerous place because there are too many vampires and sasquatch. They had done their research. Proving a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.


The vampires and sasquatch are only the tip of the preternatural iceberg that awaits tourists in the rugged hinterland of the Olympics, where an unholy alliance of vampires, sasquatch and werewolves lie in wait for the visitor. Know before you go. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of revenge.

As with any wilderness journey, the proper gear can make the difference between survival and a lost weekend in a rain-soaked hellscape.You wouldn’t walk to the North Pole without snowshoes. So don’t go hiking in the Olympics without a good supply of garlic to wrap around your neck for the vampires, silver bullets to shoot into the werewolf hearts and sasquatch repellent to keep the creatures from raiding your grub box. ’Nuff said.

Lately we have been subjected to an even more confusing tourist question that even has some of the locals confused. “Why are they tearing up the roads?” This refers to the road destruction projects throughout western Washington that has us spending a million dollars a day replacing culverts that are believed to be barriers to salmon migration.

Washington is home to five species of salmon: the king or chinook, coho aka silver, the chum or dog salmon, the humpie or pink salmon and the sockeye salmon. While the runs of these fish were once referred to as “inexhaustible,” the effective management by state and federal agencies has transformed many of these salmon into threatened and/or endangered species.

This opened the floodgates of federal funding, allowing us to introduce a legendary new species of salmon to our fair state, the paper salmon. While these imaginary fish may only exist in the minds of biologists, politicians and bureaucrats, they are worth millions of dollars to the salmon restoration industry.

Though these barren streams may run off a cliff and have never seen a real salmon run up them, the legend of the paper salmon allows the state to rip up the road to restore passage for these imaginary salmon anyway.

We hope this answers that question.

As to why loggers wear suspenders, it’s to keep their pants up, of course.

Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Thursday. He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.